I think I enjoy solitude much more when I'm ovulating. Sobergoth called again and I ignored it the first time, but answered when he tried again an hour later, and he was very fixated on whether I shaved so I immediately regretted answering. He already makes me feel guilty for not responding, or not being in the mood, as if we're in a relationship which we are definitely not. Next time I'll just remember to keep my phone muted when I feel like being left alone.
I need to have better boundaries with my phone in general. I've been checking it more often than I normally would, due to anxieties about this weekend, obsessively checking what everyone is up to on ig, texting my ex every random thought that pops into my head all day, texting memes to a couple friends. I'll make an effort to cut down tomorrow.
I watched a very beautiful zoom speech for MLK in which the synagogue invited a black baptist pastor to speak, and he said words I needed to hear about stuff that matters, stuff about empathy and inclusiveness and everyone coming together and beautiful things like that which we all need so much more of. He said some really heartfelt stuff about the rabbis and it was good for the soul. He's traveling to DC tomorrow. I will be worried.
I used to enjoy civil war reenactments when I was a kid. It's less fun when it's real life. When I went to drag in my grocery delivery, I smelled my neighbors cooking another large batch of edibles, so it appears they have a plan to get through this weekend. My plan is to do laundry to drown out the sound of helicopters, and cook things, and just be really nice and gentle with myself, and breathe, and meditate, and take it a moment at a time. I've been feeling creative, so maybe I'll try to sit down and busy my hands with something.
I hope everyone stays safe and that hateful people grow up and find better things to do with their time. I really don't want to see any more bad news. Can we just have a smooth democratic transition like normal countries please because I am just trying to have a peaceful life here.
Ok time for bed. I send you love and courage and peace of mind and whatever else you may need. Laila tov.
10:56 p.m. - 2021-01-15