This weekend two different males messaged me to complain at me about their lives, one of which I barely know. He started with the classic "how are you?" I replied, "good, how are you?" The response that followed was so long I kept scrolling and scrolling... no line breaks just intense emotional dumping on me, someone he barely knows and only met once. I read the whole entire thing, which was mostly about his landlord. It made me tired. But I responded that I hope everything works out, etc.
I hope he never writes me a 5 page essay about how much his life sucks again.
The night before, Sobergoth called when I was about to go to sleep. He immediately began complaining that I hadn't answered his calls for 4-5 days. Which is true, but I'm not his girlfriend and it seemed demanding. Sometimes I don't feel like spending an hour of my time listening to someone who believes that aliens built the pyramids, or who constantly pressures me to send nudes or facetime or let him come over. Sometimes my phone is on mute and I just wanna be stoned, watch a movie, and go to sleep, instead of using my last shred of energy on emotional labor on someone who treated me not so great during his addict years and disappeared on me every time I wanted support.
But I listened while he told me he's worried about himself because he does nothing all day. And then I was worried, reaching for any words that might help him so he won't lose hope, but also feeling like I didn't have much emotional bandwidth at that moment to play mom for him. The conversation didn't last long though because he somehow injured his back while talking to me and said he was in a lot of pain and had to go.
So that was the last conversation I had before falling asleep, and the landlord crisis guy was the first thing I saw when I woke up. It's a good thing I meditate...
I wish everyone's suffering would end. This whole experience has been like being strapped to a chair forced to watch while everyone you know is tortured in front of you but you're helpless to do anything, and they might even a little bit hate you because you're not the one being beaten. But being witness to everyone's suffering is also pretty upsetting.
I want my friend to conquer her self defeating tendencies so she can be happy for once. I want to see her really, really happy, from her deepest core, giddy and laughing and full of love. I want the Alcoholic to not be so tense and fearful all the time. I want him to grow emotionally and I want him to be happy, so much. I want everyone I know to be so fucking filled with joy that they smile till their cheeks hurt. Wouldn't it feel so good to see everyone you love happy? Imagine the whole world happy. It makes me happy just envisioning it. If everyone was happiness and love, I wouldn't even need to try to be happy, I'd just feel theirs and bask in their warm radiant energy. Ahh. I should meditate on that.
6:05 p.m. - 2021-01-24