i'm trying to live out every expression of my ancestors dna before i die. i think i reincarnated as my grandmother last year.
i loved the way my grandma smelled, her laugh, her eyes when she smiled, her hair, the platform shoes she sometimes wore to appear taller, her meticulously well-kept house. i strongly suspect that rape was the cause of her teenage pregnancy and that she left her home state because she was an unwed single mother in a place and era not known for its womens rights. she was pro choice and not religious. my family isn't horribly ignorant thank goodness. i got lucky.
i've learned a lot from the experiences of women in my family on both sides. Both sides have their matriarchs. They were all kind and smart. i wish i could go back in time and be at my grandma's house again playing cards with her. she was so cool and lovable and capable and witty. i am privileged to have her dna. i am proud to be hers.
i also miss my grandpa's cookie jar. haha. oh my god i'd give anything to see them again. i remember them so clearly in my mind, and their house, and the scents of coffee and her perfume -- it smelled really good, not like other grandma perfume. she smelled sweet. i wish i knew which perfume it was because i'd spray it around my house for aromatherapy.
i think she really visited me in that dream somehow, is that insane? the way she just interrupted a dream totally unexpectedly in which i knew she was dead but she was really there holding my hands, entering my dream realm through time and space, making herself seen so i would know i am her granddaughter. her true identity was revealed and she didn't need to say a word, i felt her. i guess i'm crazy but i can't stop thinking about it. my dreams have been EXTRA INTERESTING during the past year.
i eat dates and figs and pomegranates now because the ancients did and damnit i am going to find a way out of this timeline so i can recline glamorously under some palm trees in the gardens of nineveh, bedecked in purple robes and gold jewelry, black kohl and myrrh on my eyes, perfumed in rosewater. these are my aesthetic goals. take me back! its been thousands of years but my dna still misses home!
this is why i have no friends. :D
2:35 p.m. - 2021-01-26