i've been taking a break from fb, ig, and news, and so far I feel calmer, saner, and more positive without it.
i began a new project of tidying my surroundings and redecorating the neglected areas of my space. it looks so much cleaner, i can't believe i didn't do that sooner, and all without needing to buy anything new.
there's a boy i know who dropped out of julliard.. we met by chance a few years ago outside a karaoke bar because he was carrying a six pack of zima which we both thought was hilarious. i was on a date with a girl, he was with his roommates, and after singing together we all hiked up a mountain and the three of us shared a joint on a rock overlooking the city. he was very in love with his girlfriend at the time and said such endearing things about her. he later moved out of state to be with her and after a long while moved back to my area and never mentioned the girl again. he's presumably available and definitely someone i could have fun with and have smart conversations with. educated musicians are very good for that.
i can relate to someone who drops out of julliard a few weeks before graduation. yes its stupid theoretically, but maybe he decided he didn't want that kind of life, the same way i left behind the upscale art world. it's good to be authentic, and to do things because you really want them, and not just to have something fancy on your resume to impress people. maybe he felt out of place in the formality and competitiveness of it all and just wanted to escape sterile new york and come back home.
i have a friend who did the same thing with film school. school is easy for me and i happily completed a masters but i feel that way about careers. i'm basically retired already. i got so used to working without pay and being a professional artist which even if you are successful isn't really enough to live on, so i burned out. i liked the community, but the pay wasn't worth it. i think it's even harder now for artists and i am amazed that i know so many people who are still struggling to make a living that way with a second job on the side. i don't have that kind of energy anymore, and i really don't care what society thinks, because it wasn't healthy for me.
i hate that we need to have professions to identify with and that we are expected to pick just one title to describe ourselves when ideally we are fluid and continuously growing. having a boss isn't really a goal of mine. and i have fairly crippling social anxiety sometimes that i'd prefer not to drug myself for, so that rules out working with people. which is unfortunate because i have so much knowledge to share, i'm self-motivated, and i'm totally unstoppable when i'm interested in a subject, like my successful blog (not here) which i could monetize, if i didn't think it's morally unethical to put a price on education, which ideally should be free for everyone.
covid is a really great time to stew on what we really want out of life and how we want to spend our time, what matters and what we can live without. one day i'll figure out a way to make a career out of all the research i do and hobbies i have, or trade and barter, or start a commune. i hate that everything is about money. i really do.
7:43 a.m. - 2021-01-27