Grateful at how clean my surroundings are this week and that I don't need to clean up after anyone, besides cute animals. Grateful that I don't need to shave for anyone, or tolerate male foot odor seeping into my floors while trying to pretend I'm not internally gagging, or feel obligated to perform sexually and ending up frustrated and feeling like I just wasted precious time to get a guy off who leaves me drained, tired, and frustrated. Grateful that my plants are growing greener and bushier -- they've noticed the gradual increase in daylight too. Grateful for some of the hints of progress in politics, the environment, plague, etc.
Something I'd love to see more of is arts and culture, not for economic survival but for joy and mental health and human connection. It's hard to accomplish in this failing capitalist economy. Which is why I long to see more of it. The creative energy that blossomed all around me in the Obama years was a beautiful thing. I also miss not being the recipient of displaced aggression, which became commonplace in the Trump Dark Ages, and felt a bit too similar to growing up in a small town and being different on the outside, and the perpetual new girl in school every six months. At least I learned quick adaptability from it, which seems to have given me an edge in pandemic times, probably much to the annoyance of those in whom change triggers full blown psychosis. Life gives me so many surprises that I eat uncertainty for breakfast at this point.
I dove down a rabbit hole about all the forms of psychological projection this morning, and it made me grateful to not need to deal with human conflict very much these days. I zone out on music and let the traumas fall away. I do whatever I want and, strangely, no one holds me back anymore. Forgive me for being so redundant but this solitude is all is still so new to me, and I never knew that was the medicine I needed. Society programmed me to believe I needed a romantic love story to be happy, but the opposite seems to be true for me, and I'm still surprised by that. You mean to say I can wake up every day and not feel like shit? What a revelation!
I thank the heavens/universe/whatever for this inner sense of security or strength or whatever it is that has me experiencing contentedness. I suffered goddamn enough trying to make relationships work that benefitted the other party while I spent a lot of time just feeling like an emotional punching bag for all the therapy others didn't do. I hope the lesson sinks in this time or I'll just have to punch myself.
9:14 a.m. - 2021-02-08