I danced today but not for long before I felt nauseous and super winded. Probably mostly due to ovulation and not enough nutrition. I'll try to keep at it. My music is turned up so I do a little bit of extra improv dancing whenever I get up to get a snack or throw something in the trash, etc. It's more fun than boring walking and spreads my exercise out into smaller easier doses so I don't tire myself out. I think it's a good method. Helps my mood a little too. Plus it gives the neighbors something to laugh about when they see me strutting around just to put the tea kettle on. Maybe having an audience of a thousand strangers' windows helps with my boredom. The sun is shining, so I'll not be keeping these curtains closed.
February is one of my least favorite months but I'm trying to make it less of a bummer in any way I can. Last year I blossomed around March and my spirits were pretty high. I hope I can pull that off again this year, when even something as free and simple as smiling feels like going against the grain these days, and I can't shake the sense that less fortunate acquaintances would love to see me fail or suffer publicly. But I'm way too macho to give any would-be haters the satisfaction. If I suffer, you'll never ever notice. (Unless you read my diary of course. But even here, I try to avoid negative loops by at least balancing those with gratitude so I won't get stuck in a funk for too long, which I think is the human default if we're not constantly vigilant with ourselves.)
Grateful today for being able to wear slightly less fugly winter clothes. Today we are fashionably sporting my velvet harem pants and ramones shirt, with a hoodie because it's not warm enough without some kind of sweater yet. I miss wearing rings. I think I'll start wearing them again just because. I have a torc necklace I haven't removed since last year, it's sort of a good luck charm. And plugs. I still keep my sidecut looking clean with a trim every couple weeks. I just feel cleaner that way. And give it a dye every few months when I want to feel new. Even if no one sees me, I still have to catch glimpses of myself in the mirror, and I like it when the face that stares back at me doesn't look like a zombie who never leaves her apartment. At least she can be a zombie with self respect, meaningful jewelry, and symmetrical braids.
I should use all this time alone to learn to play a new instrument. I've wanted a harp of some kind forever but they're expensive and intimidating. I need something piano-like or a percussion instrument that won't make my neighbors call the police.
1:03 p.m. - 2021-02-10