Don't skip meditation. Thought I could skip meditation for just one night. Woke up at 3 am with anxiety.
Got out of bed, made lavender tulsi tea, ate cheese and olives, and cradled my sleepy emotional support rodent and got nose rubs from my cat. I feel better now.
I dreamed I was in an unfamiliar crowded place in my city with people I know of but don't really know, and I was sitting at a table with them awkwardly feeling like I didn't belong there while they talked amongst each other. I felt like maybe I was intruding or something, but I had nowhere else to go. It was like being the new girl in school all over again, needing to make friends so I can have people to sit at the table with. But in the dream I didn't try very hard. I just sat quietly while everyone else talked, while everyone else seemed to have people, except me. I didn't do or say anything about it. Just sat and watched, surrounded by people, while feeling alone. No one was being mean or anything. But I was the stranger. Just sort of, casually neglected.
I must still have a lot more healing to do.
I think I should make an effort to connect with new or new-ish people or connect deeper with certain people. It's just an awkward and scary time for that when everyone is struggling more than usual in many ways, and we're basically limited to internet and phone.
Other 3am thoughts: Sometimes my friends' hypersexuality feels like having spam porn bots in real life. Same feeling as opening your inbox thinking 'someone messaged me!' Only to discover yet another porn bot trying to sell me something I didn't ask for, or another horny man demanding attention. I realize some people think sex is a woman's only purpose in life, and sex can be fun and all, but sometimes, just sometimes, I'd like to talk about other things. Interests. Hobbies that aren't exclusively revolving around sex. Part of it is where I live. But I also wouldn't want to live where sex is taboo and people are repressed. A healthy balance would be nice.
Okay I'm going back to sleep. Night night.
3:51 a.m. - 2021-02-11