I miss my dad. I haven't seen him since last summer and I couldn't even hug him. He is adamantly against taking the vaccine because some anti vaccine fake news got to him. I sent him the snopes fact check that said that what he read was false but I suspect he'll still be stubborn about it anyway. He's been very careful but some of his clients had covid and weren't honest about it. He's lucky to have a lot of work right now, but, you see why I worry.
I MUST try harder today to take better care of myself. I'm not eating as much as I should. I keep reading about elderly people being attacked and worrying about my mom, wherever she is. Truthfully though, if anything she'd probably the one attacking people. I weirdly find solace in that. She's a ferocious untamed beast. I'm still physically afraid of her, at 69 years old. And I should be, since the cops called me last year because of something she did. I'm still not sure what went down, but she's been missing ever since?
I finally ordered some alcohol, so that I can come out of my shell long enough to talk to my friend this weekend. I got a few fun bubbly things to last several drinking experiences so I'll probably talk and text more people than I have been doing, since alcohol makes me love everyone and brings out my inner social butterfly. It may actually be a good thing. I made sure not to get any hard liquor, and I limited myself to small single serve bottles. I'm letting go of the anxiety of feeling like it's my job to entertain her, and am instead going to focus on just listening to whatever she wants to say, which reduces my pressure to perform and be everyone's free clown for hire.
Complaints: my neighbor is yelling, everything hurts, i'm hungry, construction started outside, sirens...
Gratitudes: noise canceling headphones activated, caffeine has commenced and tastes good, i'm listening to some sound healing album now, yoga will ease the pain, meditation will heal my brain, "spring always comes..."
Maybe I should make it a goal to send out more love, since I've spent so much time in retreat mode hidden deep within myself, and maybe it's time to reach out, just a little. (As long as I make sure my love is sent to people who won't leave me feeling drained or betrayed.) I think it's a good idea to actually send love specifically to those who appear on the surface to be happy. Because they're human and struggle like everyone else, but have the emotional intelligence not to abuse my kindness, and are likely concealing their pain just like I do. Maybe I can mail people something thoughtful to make their day a little better. Or have something cute delivered to keep their morale up. Yes. It is decided. I will make this my mission. What would cheer people up? Hmmm. I can make care packages! Ooh maybe I can have their gifts arrive in time for galentines day!
8:31 a.m. - 2021-02-11