Started a new choreography last night and expected to wake up sore but didn't! I do have breast pain though, so I did some exercises for that while waiting for the kettle to boil. I already can't wait to dance again today.
I think the reason my lady friend wanted to call this weekend is because of Valentines Day sadness. I think she and most people are actively trying to be in relationships rather than actively avoiding them like I am doing. The ones seeking love are perpetually disappointed, which is pretty much the reason I'm trying to opt out. My relationship style is very different from my friends. They're all sexually-driven, so their relationships are short lived and based entirely on lust. Maybe I'd be that way if I could stomach iud pain or tolerate the horrid side effects of hormonal birth control, and if I'd gotten that hpv shot, and if I hadn't had a traumatizing pregnancy and abortion, not to mention traumatizing relationships, rape, and all the other male-related nuisances. I'm amazed anyone still dates at all! But I know it's possible to have a healthy long term love because I did that, and still have that, minus the sex and living together part... For financial reasons, I may cohabitate again some day, and I don't think it'd be a terrible thing for both of us to be roommates who care a lot about each other. I'm very grateful I have someone like that.
I received a drunk valentines voicemail at 4 am that was equal parts sweet and troubling. I guess I have to respond to that today.
Sobergoth finally stopped calling every night when he realized I only respond once a week. He obviously needed more than I can give so he impulsively flew to Mexico. I suspect he has a lover there. He is very good at finding lovers, and very bad at keeping them. I guess I'm an exception because I have moments of great tolerance and understanding where I'm one with the universe and have no trouble talking with people who've hurt me. Which, coincidentally, is also exactly how I've found myself in emotionally abusive relationships.
I've come to realize I require something stable and safe or better yet nothing at all.
When I was a teenager I dreamed of living in an antique one bedroom house with an overgrown garden all by myself, with pets. In this fantasy I'd have a simple job, like working at a bookstore. Nothing too ambitious, because what I wanted was a quality life, not an exhausting life. I really had it figured out back then.
8:42 a.m. - 2021-02-14