I dreamed I was swimming in an ancient swimming pool surrounded by very tall marble columns and fountains with nude Roman statues semi covered by a very tall ceiling. I swam around, totally alone, thinking wow, this place is amazing. Before I left I added blue food coloring to the water fountain at the entrance near a grand staircase. Then I went into a library carrying food but a young boy ran up and stole it and threw it in the trash. I reported him to the librarian and fished the package out of the trash.
I think the boy represents the Alcoholic. He stole nourishment from me. I'm taking it back.
My dance teacher randomly said, "Dancing will never make you sad. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you." She said it as if from experience. Whoops I totally made that mistake when I accidentally fell in love with the Alcoholic. I lost a good number of years of dancing, right when I'd begun performing on stage at concerts! My dance abilities faded without practice and I became depressed but hey, I had a boyfriend. :/
It's okay though. I'm back on track now, back to where I was when I was alone and danced whenever I had anxiety. Except now I'm rarely anxious about being alone. Something different motivates me now. I want to reclaim what I stupidly gave up for a boy. I want my physical strength back. I want to be able to do gymnastics when I'm old. Nothing holds me back now. I have endless time, just for me, to improve my back flexibility and practice every move until it's perfect, until I look confident again when I dance. I wish I'd never stopped dancing, but this is my chance to catch up as if it never happened. To take back what was taken from me. To do something that never makes me sad.
Honestly I don't think I'll ever want to risk allowing myself to fall in love again. I'd rather sigh every time someone I slept with gets married and console myself by remembering how small their penis was or how hairy they were. I figure if I change my mind there's a 50% chance they'll be divorced by then. There are so many men, I'll never run out of options. But I'd really rather dance and be a happy spinster, without anyone standing in my way, weighing me down, or actively preventing me from doing what brings me joy.
Quarantine makes it very easy to focus on myself without opposition. It keeps me safe from men. I am grateful.
8:49 a.m. - 2021-02-15