The dreaded construction has begun and will continue for weeks. Of course this is the day I had decided to take a 48 hour break from weed.
I have dye marinating in my hair and am currently dwelling and trying to understand why all my sexual partners have had sexual problems, ranging from sex addiction to sexual compulsions and shame to childhood rape and serious porn addiction, disassociation, intimacy issues, etc. Maybe if I'd been with anyone with a healthy relationship with sex, I wouldn't have eventually developed an avoidance of sex altogether. It's just been so disappointing and uncomfortable, one person after the next, that I just gave up hoping for pleasure.
I feel like the healthy relationship I once had to sex was stolen from me. Shame was never an issue for me. I wasn't raised repressively. My first sexual experience was at age 19. I was mature enough and ready for it. Until years later, when the only person I'd put all my sexual trust in had lied for 7 whole years of my life. My whole twenties were apparently a lie. Then I was raped. Then cheated on by two different men, possibly more. Then drugged and narrowly escaped rape a second time. Mostly I've been objectified a whole lot, with high expectations and demands put on me but little pleasure on my end. Then the unwanted pregnancy and hpv... The thought of sex fucking sucks now. The thought of enjoying it anymore seems more like an unrealistic fantasy and nothing more. And I've learned to fear men, and detest their entire bodies, which I once loved.
And then I'd have to listen to my sex addict poly friends cycle through hundreds of short term meaningless trysts, trying to understand how they find it enjoyable still, since obviously no one person has ever been enough to love long enough to even really know with any depth. How is that enough for them? Or is that why they're on antidepressants? Or drinking all the time? Are they pretending to enjoy it? Is it just a different way of being broken?
Sometimes I'd like to have regular sex, but it requires tolerating so much of what feels unhealthy. I haven't had sex since like August but I still grow distant the moment anyone shows a sexual interest in me, because I'm so sick of trading sex for like five minutes of being treated as a friend, for a hug now and then, or an intelligent conversation, which is all I've ever actually wanted for the past like, decade.
It's deeply frustrating. To spend my whole life trying to grow as a person, traveling, educating myself, learning all I can, only to be treated as something to masterbate into. It's the least of what I have to offer. I can't believe at this age I still haven't found anyone who can think beyond his own dick -- including women. It's depressing, but whatever.
12:23 p.m. - 2021-03-08