Cat woke me up at dawn. Couldn't fall back asleep so I woke up and stepped in her vomit a few seconds after the loud vibratey mystery rumble noise that generally lasts one hour started. It'll be a loud day.
I may look exhausted, but my hair is freshly dyed and braided in ribbons in honor of my indigenous nana and all the women before her. No one can see it except for me. No one can analyze my face and physicalities and comment on which parts look indigenous or give an opinion on whether I look too pale or "joke" that I'm appropriating my own family, or tell me I should eat more because I'm too skinny blah blah blah blah blah blah ...
Humans.
Being alone means not needing to explain why I look however they think I look based on their limited experiences. Not needing to be society's punching bag to invalidate because of their own insecurities or traumas or ignorance. Being alone is safe.
The grocery delivery guy only delivered half the stuff I ordered. Apparently they were all out of 10 different brands of saffron, or he didn't feel like looking for replacements, so I'll have to live without nature's antidepressant for awhile longer. It's okay. I'll try to dance today, after I mop the vomit off the floor... I'll take all my vitamin d and hope the construction war outside won't rattle my brain and upset my animals too much today.
After my ex and I get vaccines we can buy a big house just outside the city where we'll have space and quiet and other men can assume I'm happily married and leave me in peace. I'll still have to live with a man, but we'll have separate rooms, maybe even separate floors, and I'll have someone to share my occasional cooking masterpieces with. I only have sex twice a year now since covid anyway and sexual partners are so erratic and inconsistent in general that it makes sense to just live platonically with someone stable and then if I ever want sex I can have it in small detached doses the way men seem to like it. They can go on drinking their paychecks away with the bros, while I have bubble baths in my master bedroom jacuzzi with a book and I'll grow out the hairiest legs the world has ever seen. It will be marvelous. Maybe my friends can rent the extra bedrooms so women and pets can take over the whole house. :)
It's been nice not shaving. I miss decorating my face with makeup though. I might go apeshit drawing my eyebrows when I start socializing again. I'll wear so much red lipstick people will wonder if there's a clown school nearby. It's gonna be a fucking fashion show every day. I can't wait.
8:02 a.m. - 2021-03-09