Intense chronic pain flare up this morning. It would be so nice if I had someone to take care of me sometimes. My ex is coming to the rescue and bringing his cat along which is very nice, but imagine if I had someone who could actually cook for me without asking me 20 questions because he can't do more than fry an egg and can't be bothered to follow a recipe online. The Alcoholic is a very good cook and requires no direction, and if anything I've actually learned a lot about cooking from him. Too bad he's a shitty partner in most other ways.
Last night I dreamed I was driving north along the coast (but in my dreams the coast is always on the reverse side even though I've lived with it on this coast my whole life?). The road home was extremely narrow, barely the width of my car, and parts of the road had broken off and fallen into the sea below. It was a stressful drive, requiring complete focus and precision to avoid slipping off the precarious road and into the sea, but somehow, against all odds, I was managing. The Alcoholic was in the passenger seat.
In another dream the Alcoholic and I were staying together in a rental in the same area I was trying to drive home from in the previous dream, as if the chronology of my dreams were reversed. The windows were thin, the single-paned kind from the 70s, and I worried they'd be easy for someone to break into and rob or rape me. I was packing to leave the place and opened my weed canister and saw there were only a couple gummies left. The Alcoholic had stolen almost all of them without asking me first, leaving only two for me. I was so angry. I explained to him that it isn't nice to steal without asking. He said he was sorry. I told him that they were hard to get and expensive and now I was out of cash and I'd have to risk my safety again to find more because of what he'd done.
It's not an unrealistic dream. I always hid my weed and alcohol from him. He always takes more than his share of everything. Gluttony is kind of his thing. I save so much money on food without him that I could buy a second house upstate in five years, just by not seeing him. Yet I miss him - and simultaneously resent him for the decade of bullshit he's put me through and the fact that he's either completely un self aware, or he is aware and just doesn't care about anyone but himself. Either way, that aspect of his personality deeply disgusts me.
Gratitude list:
delivery of pain supplements and balms. someone to cook me eggs. (it's better than nothing.) new clothes I ordered fit well and are cute. living alone -- yes by now i'm as lonely as any normal person would be but i still prefer that to relationship drama which i think i really wouldn't want to have to deal with right now. saving money. pleasant distractions from the world outside.
9:38 a.m. - 2021-03-13