The guy who I went on one date with who resurfaced four years later thought I was avoiding him even before covid and wants to know why and started psychoanalyzing me and making elaborate assumptions, and also asked a million other questions, and part of me wants to just kill myself so that men will stop texting me.
I never had any problem with him, other than that he had bad breath. But I can't just tell him he had bad breath. So instead I am going crazy, having weed and alcohol first thing in the morning, wondering why the fuck the Alcoholic didn't dig his nails in me half as much as Mr. Halitosis and the other 10 or so men who are driving me insane with the phone calls and texts. I am only lonely for one person and it pisses me off how loyal I am.
"Loyal to a fault" my best friend said about me, a year before she became an even shittier friend and abandoned me like she always does.
Maybe I have halitosis?
Today I am not feeling grateful, but I'm glad I'm not pregnant and that I don't have stds and am not cleaning up after a man. I'm glad that even though men are making me want to throw my phone out the window, that at least I don't have to suck their gross dicks. It could be worse! I could be in a whole relationship with this guy and be constantly bombarded by questions all day long because he obviously doesn't understand me if I need to explain fucking everything about my life.
I'm so tired of everything. I haven't had a fun day in I can't remember when. I'm tired of texting. I'm tired of being interrupted by phone calls by horny men when I'm just trying to recover from 8 hours a day of excruciating construction noise.
I'd love to have feelings for Mr. Halitosis as much as he would. But I don't! I feel nothing but annoyance and pity.
Why can't I just be like my friend who really likes men and seems to derive actual pleasure from sex with men enough to have an addiction to it. She is so beautiful, more than me I'm sure, and yet how does she cope with all the men who won't go away? Maybe she's lucky and they just leave her. Her relationships at least seem to have a defined beginning and end, and once it's over, she's doesn't seem to miss them at all. I don't understand it. But then again, her longest relationship was one year, not decades-long relationships like the kind I have. I wish I could switch my heart on and off like that. She probably never loved any of them to begin with.
I'm a long term bonder with a memory like an elephant, dating other people only when my monogamous relationship ends, but we eventually always find our way back to each other. Believe me, if I could shut off my heart, I would. But no matter how many other people I fuck, I can't erase him. We were together too long.
8:21 a.m. - 2021-03-31