Ex came over and I told him which groceries aren't ready to touch and which ones are safe. "But whatever you do, DON'T TOUCH THIS ONE!" I said, rubbing my hands all over a can of beans, emphasizing my statement with the caress of my fingers on every crevice. And watched his face go through stages, first 'oh no!' followed by 'is she stupid?' followed by 'oh, she's just fucking with me.' Finally, he laughed.
"I'm glad to be in isolation with myself. I have fun with me," I said. He agreed and said "You are very entertaining."
This whole year I struggled so hard to keep morale up of a couple friends who love to complain but refuse to take any steps to do anything about it. It wore me down feeling like they weren't pulling their own emotional weight while I did all the heavy lifting of trying to make them smile, which only backfired because they perceived me as happy and that seemed to make them want to tear me down more. Then I just felt stupid for wasting so much of my own energy on dead weight. Now I think I'll only want to talk to them if they get on meds. Life is enough of a circus without unnecessary drama on top of what is already a crisis. Did they think I wasn't aware of pandemic? Did they think I wasn't also feeling the same ways as them just because I didn't make a scene about it or take it out on people?
It's been comical, the way plans have fallen through and then broken beyond repair to make sure I know that the previous chapter of good times is OVER:
Ex 1: Before covid I made reservations at a cabin for all my lady friends in advance of summer. Then I had to cancel the gathering due to covid so I went alone saying "don't worry! we'll go there together when covid is over!" A month later the whole damn cabin burned down.
Ex 2: The last place I went before covid and the last place I hugged my friends was at my favorite cafe, neighborhood "living room" where it was always warm and full of friends. For so long it was closed but the thing that kept me going was the thought that as soon as this is over, the FIRST thing I can't wait to do is go there again and hug everyone. It gave me strength to have an end goal to stay alive and healthy in order to return to this place. A month ago the whole damn cafe closed for good and went up for sale.
Like, okay. I get the hint. Everything is over and there's no point clinging to the past.
I've been dancing even though I feel physically weak and frail. I set up a larger mirror to dance in. I wish I had a dance room with a wall of unframed mirrors and no furniture. It's not impossible... I'd have to get rid of a lot of things and be even MORE clever with my usage of space. Might be worth a try...
8:07 a.m. - 2021-04-03