Three days after having positive feelings about Mr. Africa, I have changed my mind. He tried to shame me for a pregnancy I had with someone I was in a relationship with for 10 years. A pregnancy that I said was traumatic for me. He tried to use it as proof that I like sex, because I told him I'd been questioning if I've become asexual (post pregnancy), and he automatically assumed I was lying, and went off on me. There were many assumptions here. He assumed it was a one night stand and I go around getting knocked up by lots of men all the time. He assumed it was consensual. He barely knows me, but he arrogantly assumed he knew my own experience better than myself. I'm glad I never had sex with him.
Days prior he said he said he liked my vulnerability. I viewed this as an indication that he could potentially be someone seeking to exploit vulnerability. So I tested it by giving him my vulnerability willingly and openly, to see if he'd use it against me. And he did! In record time. He quickly became demanding and invasive, and totally forgot or ignored everything I'd said just a day or two earlier when I explained the cause and effect of pregnancy giving me an aversion to sex that I hadn't had before. He acted like he understood. But then he went haywire last night, implying that I'm a whore basically, even arrogantly accusing me of telling him about my dream in order to 'keep him interested.' He's the one who contacted me and he's lucky I responded at all. Maybe he was drunk. He was acting nuts. I had to calm him down and reassure him and I barely even know this person, who obviously has some serious insecurity or sexual shame he wanted to project on me.
It's okay though. I sensed early on that his clever verbal gymnastics and charm could potentially have a darker flip side. I was riiiiiight. Glad I detected it early, instead of years later, like with other men I've trusted with my whole heart. I'm learning!
Although I wrapped the conversation up last night with exquisite gentleness and patience, this morning I decided I am no longer interested in this person. I blocked him and I feel bad about it, but he's one of those people who won't let it go if I explain why. I explained why I didn't want sex and he didn't listen to that, so, the chances of him understanding anything else are slim. He'll smooth talk apologies like he did in earlier conversation, and ultimately it's just a waste of my time and energy. I don't hate the guy but I don't owe him anything and have nothing to gain from talking to him. And I don't need the stress. A lot of guys are lonely. That doesn't mean I need to play mother for them. Or explain my life story over and over to someone who didn't listen the first time, all so he can use my most vulnerable openness against me. And for what benefit to either of us?
He asked so many questions, like a child, so I spent all my time trying to answer all of them which left me feeling drained. Then he got mad that I wasn't asking questions about him - which is fair - but I couldn't keep up, and am not interested enough in him, or wasn't yet. To me these things happen slowly and naturally, without being forced, invasive and without making me feel like I'm on trial instead of having a pleasant chat. I think he asks so many questions because he lacks the intuitive empathy to understand unless his hand is held through the process and mathematically explained. I didn't feel like I needed to ask him a million questions, because I pick up on subtle cues. His questions alone gave me clues about who he is and what his values are. His responses and invalidations offered insight about his personality, without me needing to ask anything at all. I just pay attention.
He did notice that I'm a good listener who retains information really well. So maybe I'm just holding him up to my own standard, because, for me it's easy. Maybe it's unfair of me. But it's exhausting feeling always like I'm parenting a toddler instead of talking to a grown man, like 'no don't touch that honey, that's not yours.' 'Sweetie don't hurt mommy.' 'Stop hitting your sister.' 'Let's use our inside voices.' 'Sweetie, how would you feel if someone said that to you.' ...
Anyway, he said he likes surprises and surprising people, so I ghosted him. Surprise!
11:15 a.m. - 2021-04-07