This is going to be rambly. You're probably better off going outside than reading some bullshsit entry. Get off the computer, it's beautiful out!
So the night sweats/chills triggered by the vaccine randomly returned tonight on the third night of my period which is unusually light (and two months late.) Maybe my hormones are still trying to get back into balance. Maybe I'm a little old so it's taking longer to bounce back. Or maybe menopause just decided to coincidentally start 12 hours after getting the shot? Whatever. The doctor doesn't know and I'm just that weird exception of everyone I know. Just lucky I guess. Anyway it is hard to sleep when my body can't figure out why I'm sweating and cold at the same time and everything itches -- the itches I think are from caffeine, which happens sometimes. I meditated and tossed and turned and finally gave up and made food and passionflower tea and had the weed I was trying to avoid having. I just want to sleep.
I'm worried about a lot of things too. Worried about the middle east, worried my dad will get covid, worried about which day I'll learn that my mom or my brother have died. Worried about how I'll handle a funeral or if I'll go mental. Worried about getting sick. Worried about hurting friends' feelings. Worried that everyone is antisemitic, because they are in so many little ways that they seem utterly unaware of, but I try to pretend not to notice because it makes me ill and heartbroken. Worried about getting attacked in some violent way, or someone I love getting attacked in some violent way. The usual stuff...
I also reflect on what it means to love people who are incapable of understanding things that are very important to me. And how if I didn't have this ability to love anyway, I'd have no friends.
I think about my dead grandparents ALL THE TIME. They understood me. They were very wonderful and I'm lucky to have had that. I just wish I still did have them sometimes. Or that I could go back in time and visit. Am I trying to make myself cry right now wtf?
I also dwell on stupid stuff that doesn't serve me because my memory is crazy sharp and it's hard to let go of dickish things someone said once like three years ago that feel like replaying in your head when falling asleep or waking up. There's probably a reason certain things replay like that. It's like my emotional brain doesn't want to believe someone isn't a good friend so my rational brain has to remind me every day of the evidence, of the time they slipped up and said something hurtful. Maybe it's just the process of forgiveness. Or I'm having a long dragged out argument with myself and getting nowhere because brain has no new input and brain is a scientist who needs more data before making decisions about someone. Because once I decide I've lost respect for someone, it's probably forever. I hold grudges. I can't forget anything. It's not my favorite thing about me. Because I suffer for probably way longer than anyone should because my brain randomly replays things over and over and sometimes gets stuck in a loop about something really uncomfortable or painful. So that's torture sometimes... Like trying to resolve something that is unresolvable, so I'm mentally pacing back and forth. But I protest my brain's conclusion with all my heart and then there's gridlock, and I sigh and decide to put deliberations on hold until the next day, when it'll all happen again. I guess pandemic's been really good for reflection. A positive spin on my negative spin. Yet again, I'm keeping the inner debate going. I bet this is because I took too many philosophy and ethics classes in college, so I question life a lot. At least my brain stays active. Maybe I won't get dementia.
I fertilized all my plants today and they're all looking so beautiful. I danced a little bit, spontaneously.
I had alcohol the first night of my period and did a lot of sobbing. I figured it was mostly hormones, but I needed a good cry anyway. I'd do it more if I wasn't exclusively surrounded by men who are out of touch with their feelings or afraid of emotion. I have to kinda keep it to myself. If they thought I was crazy I'd feel like they'd have one up on me, or I'd feel gaslighted or misunderstood or I'd be perceived as weak, so it's easier not to bother. If I feel like it'll be met with empathy I share it but I feel like it's generally better to just state emotion without displaying it physically. Or maybe I'm just projecting, because I am a person who feels easily frightened by dramatic emotional displays, like full on ptsd freeze or flight reaction, due to a history of loved ones with mental illness...
Today's affirmation:
I am grounded
I am grateful for:
diary, memory, plants, tea
The person I am becoming will experience more:
fun and music
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
practice acceptance and gratitude.
12:23 a.m. - 2021-06-13