I feel like I should apologize for the rambliness of last night's entry even though it's my own diary of my own authentic fluctuating state of being and probably no one reads this anymore anyway.
Well I'm still feeling rambly. Today I'm thinking about how before pandemic I had become very jaded and bitter and closed off about certain things. My abused heart had closed up like a clamshell. I was angry about everything I'd endured just for being a woman, in a silently seething rage kind of way, medicated by copious handfuls of weed and gulps of alcohol to numb my pain and extreme and bottomless frustration with men.
Pandemic helped me learn boundaries with men who triggered me. Wearing a mask gave me the freedom and anonymity to walk without being catcalled or stared at. Lack of a social life almost entirely eliminated my desire to drink. In the absence of bad influences, I became healthy. I finally had a break I so desperately needed. I'll always have bad days but overall I feel way more at peace than before. I don't think love is the enemy anymore. I don't let people suck the life out of me. Sure my life may be more boring than before, but I'm okay with it. I like the peace. I like not feeling full of pent up rage all the time. I feel safer and more open to be able to just state my feelings directly or to say no. I'm better at recognizing my limits before they're crossed. I've gotten really good at validating myself in the absence of external validation.
Today I am grateful for: the healing of traumas, my newly fertilized and happy staghorn fern that is no longer wilty and sad looking, winning the war on aphids on my mint, incense, the shifting of seasons, good listeners, and life itself.
12:17 p.m. - 2021-06-13