The challenge is to continue to find joy in life despite people who will let you down. To remain neutral about narcissist male friends who leave you on read because you didn't have sex with them, when you thought their friendship was genuine and not just a lie in order to get you into bed. To not be hurt by people who don't allow you to feel the way you feel or cope the way you cope. To continue to have empathy for them, even when they don't extend the same grace to you. To give people the freedom to believe they can hurt me, if it makes them feel better to think so. I have no use for revenge. Let 'em do whatever they need to do to get themselves back into balance. I'll just be sittin' here doing my own thing regardless.
To let things shift and change as they will, and adapt without holding anyone's shortcomings or even bad motives against them. To just keep going on my way, whatever the weather. Whether it's unwanted sexual attention or neglect or bad intentions or mental illness or addiction or competitiveness or discrimination, to live and let live, militantly. To let go. To forgive before they're even done trying to hurt you. Because it's obvious they're the ones hurting about something.
I visualize it like a tall person holding the head of a weakling while they foolishly throw punches. Who knows why they're hurt or why they behave like that, but if you're big enough you'll know they're only hurting themselves. Emotional maturity is key.
Yesterday I laid in the sun by the water in perfect weather, watching wild turkeys poking around in the bushes, inhaling the scent of tree blossoms. I took my top off for awhile to experience fresh air and sunshine, unrestrained male pleasures my body deserves to feel too. I've really stopped caring. It was such a beautiful day. I basically just hiked around in bra and underwear after that. There weren't many people anyway. I drove home like that and walked into my building common areas in undies too. There are far more important things than worrying if someone sees one of my butt cheeks in the hall or on a trail on a hot day. If they're bothered by a human body being a human body, well, they don't have to look.
Today I am grateful for hugs, the incredible homemade burger last night, the awesome weather and hike yesterday, and the cool design I shaved into the sides of my hair. I'm glad people are happy to get back to their "normal" pre-pandemic lives, and even more glad that less people are dying these days.
I hope my one dose of vaccine is enough to protect me. I'm sad that some people are still convinced the vaccine will turn them into zombies lol. But at this point no one is going to hold our hands anymore. It's up to us to keep ourselves safe now by either getting vaccinated or wearing masks. For our own safety and at risk to our own health and lives, we have a right to know whether friends who want to see us are vaccinated or not. Not to judge them, but in order to make educated choices about our own health, in the same way we wouldn't lie to a sexual partner if we knew we had aids. Being irresponsible is a personal choice, but the moment you impose that on someone else, you're knowingly causing harm. I understand that not everyone has to worry about an unvaccinated high risk family member who they love very much. But I do. So pandemic isn't totally over for me yet.
I don't want to go back to all that pre-pandemic social drinking when time was spread so thin between a lot of people who didn't care about me as much as they cared about trying to bed me or cure whatever loneliness or relationship problems they were avoiding. I'm clinging to the last shreds of my new healthier life, in no hurry to go back to the way things were when I was miserable in the company of careless socially-unintuitive extroverts. I don't care what the hell other people want to do, but I think my days of trying to keep everyone happy are over, and my days of focusing on my own happiness have already begun, for the most part pretty successfully.
10:08 a.m. - 2021-06-15