After a long night of screaming in my sleep and waking up every hour, I am a little tired. But I slept in much later than usual to try to make up for it. I feel a little depleted although not as bad as yesterday.
It's going to be a very noisy weekend. I should visit my dad. I'm incredibly worried he'll get sick since he and his wife refused vaccination. :/ But at least they double mask and are very careful.
I plan to double up on all my mental health measures this week. Extra meditation time, naps, yoga, reading, comedy, gratitude lists. Because yesterday I lost completely my ability to laugh off a projection, and silently seething isn't really my idea of a good time. It didn't roll off my back like it should have. It made me feel betrayed after all my efforts to make someone else feel comfortable. But what about my comfort? Whenever I do anything in the spirit of help, for the good of the team, sticking my neck out for someone, sharing my resources, it always somehow bites me in the ass. I guess I have to stop having people in my life who are in need or just ignore anyone who comes to me who isn't on equal footing. Because I'm tired of getting stabbed in the back after people ask me for help. I ask for nothing in return except maybe don't take out your problems on the person helping you. A friend in need is bound to take their unhappiness out on whoever is closest to them, to be annoyed by anything and everything around them. I need to be alone awhile. I'm tired of feeling bullied for doing the right thing. My help has been withdrawn. Now is time to mend myself, again.
I did such a good job though at not being reactive. I handled myself like a pro. Didn't lash out. Didn't raise my voice. I said very little. And even took responsibility, since it looked like the other person wasn't going to. I didn't care. I just wanted to be alone again. To be free of the oppressiveness of people who don't accept or appreciate me for who I am because they can't accept themselves. I shouldn't have agreed to do the favor. I should have stayed home. But instead I have to clean my fresh wounds and heal. It's okay. Life happens.
Grateful today for my great uncle's book that I will re-read. He used to jump trains during the great depression and bummed around the entire united states and canada and wrote a novel about it before he died. He told me some important things before he went. I'm grateful for his existence, especially in my teenage years. He really changed the course of everything for me. For the better, I think.
Grateful also for a clean refuge from the outside world. Grateful for snacks and drinks. Grateful that people still remember me and dream about me and invite me places, even if I always say no and have to remind them that I'm still not fully vaccinated. Grateful also to have such space away from humans. Grateful to have discovered that solitude is the healthiest medicine for me.
I hope I don't have any more nightmares tonight. But I probably won't, since that only happens when I'm around people. I absorb their problems and feel their suffering and I haven't learned how to turn that superpower off other than being alone a lot. Good thing I'm very comfortable with my own company.
1:10 p.m. - 2021-07-02