I used to dread waking up every morning, but now I wake up with the sunrise feeling grateful for life.
The Alcoholic dreaded waking up every morning, and I'd adopt his mood within a few days of him staying with me, sleeping in later and later, postponing the misery of being awake. Funny when I'm alone I spring out of bed with an entirely different mindset. And all the night terrors I used to have after being around certain friends, seeing them crying in my dreams, or being victimized in ways that turned out to be true... It was exhausting to feel so much of their pain, all of them at once.
I thought it was me. I thought their suffering was mine. The men I slept with would bring infestations of bed bugs and cockroaches that took months to get rid of. I'd have chronic infections of all kinds, and severe chronic pain and I was sad all the time.
Now I look around and think I do a pretty good job of managing my life alone.
There's also people I wish I'd spent more time with. I should have gone to more of my friend's potluck dinners. I should have stayed in touch with some good people I lost touch with after moving to the city. I still can. I'm glad I saw those friends last weekend.
I made a fancy dinner for myself last night. Smoked oysters and spicy red pepper in ghee and truffle sauce atop cassava spaghetti. Just call me Gordon Ramsey.
Woke up early and was pleased to see the results of several days of staying on top of cleaning. I haven't even been taking my saffron.
On the new moon I menstruated and lit incense and meditated. I feel in tune with nature again, waking with the sun and menstruating with the moon. The way humans are meant to.
7:21 a.m. - 2021-07-15