The process of moving has been set into motion. I am terrified. I'm basically sacrificing my community and independence in exchange for the simple ability to safely go outdoors. Where I'm headed there will be more uneducated republicans. But it will be quiet, safe, and I'll be able to open a door from my bedroom and go straight outside whenever I want.
I can still come to the city. It'll be a bit of a journey, but not impossible. I'll be safer from covid and less alone. I'll have help with cooking and cleaning. But I'll also have to live with a man... A definite downside. But as far as men go, he's not the worst. He cleans up after himself. He cooks a few dishes pretty well. He's consistent and for the most part agreeable.
It won't always be easy. But I can get a van and flee to the city whenever I need to. I'll see my dad more. I'll see mountains outside my windows!
I'm so nervous. I don't really want to leave here. But looking ahead, there isn't much I can safely do here if I have to sacrifice 3 months of health every time I get a vaccine dose, or wait around for the Alcoholic to have time off work and get tested, and testing isn't 100% accurate either. I'm just rotting in my apartment here.
It's a bummer when I think of everything I'll miss. The pride I have in living here. The parks. The smart people! The culture. The music.
But it feels unsafe. Not just because of covid. I don't feel safe anymore doing many of the things I used to do. Even just walking a block alone feels scary, even though I'm probably somewhat exaggerating the risk in my head. But still. Imagine not needing to look over my shoulder or calculate risk all the time. Imagine being able to just... live.
I'll stand out where I'm headed, and I'm fine with that. I'll probably deal with some small minded types.
Am I doing the right thing? I don't know! My fear is that a big move will cause me to have a nervous breakdown. It'll shake my feeling of stability. I don't want to move backward in life. I don't want to make the same mistakes my mom made by leaving the city and sacrificing freedom for a nice house in the country.
Either way I'm sort of trapped. Trapped financially. Trapped having to cling to a man who I won't even have sex with. I'll feel so far away. Will I go crazy?
I'm sure I can adapt to anything. But... I like having my own private home. Even if it currently feels like jail. It's mine and I can do anything I want inside of it without the male gaze, without any shaming or nagging.
There'll be more sunny days where I'm going. I'll get tan. I'll grow an entire garden and have a deep soaking tub and a beeeeautiful kitchen. I can get more animals. Maybe I'll even be happier. Who knows. It's possible I'll enjoy life more there. I have friends around there too. Different types of people. But I won't be lonely. (Maybe I'll miss my solitude.)
Grateful that I have choices anyway. Not everyone has options. Grateful there are still a few people I trust and can rely on in times like these. Grateful that delta seems to be leveling off. Grateful for the sun. Grateful for a good nights sleep. Grateful for masks. Grateful to have my health and be alive. Grateful for my mind.
1:19 p.m. - 2021-08-16