Perhaps my anxiety about moving was my gut noticing that something was off. I discovered today that the house is in dangerous proximity to a landfill that might be expanded in a few months. This would both lower the home value and put us at risk for serious health problems, according to my research. So, I'll be staying put for now. And honestly it makes me breathe a sigh of relief. My anxiety immediately disappeared when the paperwork was canceled.
Also, I noticed something about my dad that reminds me of all the lonely men trying to put my health in danger. He wants me to live there (and I do too), but he downplayed the danger of the landfill, and fire risks, and before that he was even advising me to basically ignore my instincts and feelings about leaving a community that is important to my mental health, my sense of belonging, my identity, my happiness, my reason for living...
But I've learned from therapy and meditation that it's not healthy nor wise to ignore one's emotions. Besides, I have a good track record of making well-researched decisions about major purchases, like a home. Better than my dad, who had bad timing, ironically as a result of being emotionally reactive during a divorce rather than thinking about long term financial consequences of his anger and emotionally immature vindictiveness against my mom, due to denying his feelings and failing to communicate for 27 years...
His advice to me is the advice he should have taken. I, however, need to constantly remind myself to HONOR my emotions, which were wrongly brushed under the rug in childhood, leading me to doubt my own intuition in adulthood and push feelings aside to my own detriment, even though my intuition tends to be extremely spot on (regardless of whether I obey it.)
Anyway, I'm relieved now. For now I get to stay here and enjoy periodic music outdoors and hike all my favorite haunts without giving up anything or anyone I love. I am grateful to have a home in a city that I love. Grateful for intuition and therapy. Grateful for feeling rooted and embraced by community, even during a time of social distance. Grateful I dodged a bullet. I'll move someday. But not until it feels right in my soul.
1:38 p.m. - 2021-08-17