A good way to make me uninterested in moving back to the small town I came from, is when they try to persuade me by telling me how much they hate the city. Okay, but I don't hate the city. I'm happy here. The only thing making me even consider moving is to have a private entry so I don't have to mask up when I take out the trash or go outside. That's it. That's my reason. So like whoa buddy, calm down. So angry. (Would I become like them if I lived there?)
I guess I have enough joy in my heart that I love both the city AND the country. I think only unhappy people berate what they're ignorant about. Besides, if their town was so great, wouldn't they list reasons their town is wonderful instead of trying to make theirs sound better by only ranting about how terrible my city is? It's not a competitive sport. Or just admit the reason you don't live here is because you can't.
It's also just rude. Obviously their ineffective method made me change my mind about moving there. It gave me pause. Why do they want me to move there so badly? Are they not content enough with their community? Some of the most depressed, most alcoholic, most mentally unwell people I know seem to live there. Whereas some of the most upstanding, intelligent, educated, empathic, impressive humans I know, live here in the city.
I know so many people who tried to leave the city when they couldn't afford it, but they always find a way to come back, because this city is so hard to leave. There are things and people here that you just can't get anywhere else. Would I really trade everything I love for an extra empty bedroom I don't even need?
Even just a few short days in the rural suburbs, I had to tolerate small minded commentaries that I'd have preferred not to subject myself to. It's a relief to be in the city surrounded by others who see things like I do and don't make me feel like shit. It's nice to feel validated in my life choices and to feel like I'm allowed to be myself and be happy, instead of feeling like I'm somehow wrong or bad or like I have to sacrifice my joy and mental health for a status symbol like a suburban house. I also can't stand when country people say ignorant racist sexist anti-humanitarian things. I couldn't believe how many times that happened in the short span of one day. In my nostalgia and selective memory I must have forgotten about how annoying that used to be.
I thought I was pretty ballin to own a nice apartment in the city. But apparently I'm not an adult in my dad's eyes until I have a suburban style house exactly like his, and live with a man who I can barely tolerate in a basically fake marriage -- all to appease my dad.
Anyway, my adult dad still hasn't replied since I told him we decided not to live next to a landfill. His sudden silent treatment tells me that actually, not living near family might be the sanest thing I can do for myself. I think when it's the right time to move, I'll know, and it'll feel right. This time didn't feel right at all. A move shouldn't make me cry every day and lie awake in anxiety every single night. Honestly, why would I do that to myself.
If it aint broke don't fix it. I friggen love it here. My happiness is more important than a stupid house. Especially one that doesn't feel like an appropriate fit for me, at all. I don't want to move backward in life. So I'll agree to disagree with country folk who try SO hard to persuade me that I don't know what's good for me, that I shouldn't trust my own mind, that I should change something that feels like a perfect fit. Why would they spend so much of their energy trying to make me feel bad if they were happy with their life choices? They wouldn't! Happy people don't need to do that.
I don't know if I'll ever want to go back to living with a man, either. I consider myself very lucky to be able to live here without a man. I see that as a major positive, not a negative. Of course, there will always be someone who doesn't understand why I'm happier this way, either because they never tried it, or they're just different than me. And that's fine with me. I want people do whatever works for them, whatever that may be, whether that means following the status quo, or breaking all the rules. It's your life, not mine.
And this beautiful little patch of the city, in my little sanctuary in the clouds that I've created for myself, this is my life, and no one else's.
4:55 p.m. - 2021-08-18