I had a lovely brief outing to enjoy my friends' music at the park, and afterward they invited me to an outdoor after party and I really really wanted to go but my ex reminded me forty times that I might die even though I'm at least a little vaccinated and always double mask and it's outdoors and my friends are not idiots.
He sucked the joy right out of my day and made me feel immediately depressed and lose interest in doing anything at all. So I canceled and went home sad and ate my weed and that's that. Oh well. At least I was able to enjoy a few songs before he killed the mood. Maybe he just didn't like the disproportionate number of males there and was being controlling. Or maybe he really worries about my health, who knows. Whatever.
I'm excruciatingly bummed. But the weather will be nice this week. Maybe I can do other things to make up for it.
As soon as I'm able to I'm going to try to suffer through a dose of j&j because people with autoimmune conditions report less downtime from it than my stupid body's frightening 3 month long reaction to pfizer. :( I'll talk with my doctor about it first. I'm feeling overwhelmed because it's unfair but there's not a lot I can do about it and pouting won't help.
My other friend wants to meet this week too and I still haven't responded about it and that's stressing me out too.
Maybe I shouldn't have gone out today at all. It's almost worse than staying home sometimes because it's like 'here's a taste of everything you're missing out on.'
I'm probably just feeling extra down because I chose today of all days to reduce caffeine intake.
Several kids were staring VERY intensely at me at the park. It was strange. They completely stopped playing and stood in front of me and stared at me without blinking for a few minutes. Three separate children, all staring at me the same way. They even came a little closer, just to get a better look at me. So weird. Is that an omen or something?
Adult humans do that to me too sometimes. My travel buddy remarked that she noticed every time she walked with me that everyone on the block would turn and stare in my direction. She didn't know why either. Either I have an inexplicable magnetism, or people don't know what to make of me, or I'm just too weird. This is probably why I enjoy hiding in my house so much, away from the gaze of others. I do wonder what they're thinking though. What do they see?
Ugh I am so sad tonight.
10:08 p.m. - 2021-09-19