I am still very angry for listening to my ex instead of my own needs. Just like old times. I let that happen.
The last time I was this angry, the sky turned orange and the sun didn't rise for a day. The alcoholic later joked about how when he saw the sky that day he thought, "uh oh, she's angry." I laughed, because I had the same thought.
If I had seen my friends, I'd be content right now, sleeping peacefully, reflecting on what a nice day I had. Instead I am regretful and resentful, because I forgot that I am always regretful and resentful when I listen to the advice of my ex.
Something I hate about life, is the way I feel like I have to constantly muster all of my rare and precious energy just to constantly say NO to people, so that I barely have energy leftover for myself. They certainly keep me on my toes. I always regret the moment I relax enough to trust someone because that's the moment they usually overstep their boundaries. Well, specific people.
I hate feeling angry. I hope I sleep soon so I can feel better when I wake up. I'm furious with feeling furious because everything I'm mad about is too late and I can't go back in time and change it. But that's pretty much why I'm frustrated.
I listened to a talk about forgiveness by Tara Brach and it helped somewhat for maybe 30 minutes but then the feelings of rage returned.
I think I have to befriend my rage before it can go away. Hi, Rage. Lookin' strong tonight! You have a right to feel that way, Rage, especially when you're all locked up like that with nowhere to express yourself. It's gonna be okay, Rage. I'm here with you. I feel your sadness and disappointment. I am listening. You're not meant to be stuffed down or ignored or denied. You have an important purpose on the emotional spectrum, you mean something, and I hear you and I want to understand you and give you a mature, calm voice so you don't go unheard. So that I can hold space for you to coexist safely. There's nothing wrong with you. I believe you. I validate your feelings 100%.
I feel like that helped a little.
2:08 a.m. - 2021-09-20