I've seen everyone at their worst over the past almost couple of years. Very understandable, although I still can't wrap my head around some of it.
I've been told I have a gift for tactfulness. Friends say I am loyal to a fault, and too diplomatic. Since I was little I was told I was gentle and caring. This is who I naturally am, and also my core values. It seems very obvious to me that if more people reacted with gentleness, we'd have a better world.
Maybe not everyone knows me well enough to see that my only goals in life are to have fun and be a good person. When life throws a curveball I stop and ask myself what would cause the least amount of harm and hurt no one's feelings. I consider this in all interpersonal relationships. People have no idea how much thought and effort I put into being a solid person for their sake. I pause before reacting. I think before I speak. I try not to project my shit onto others and constantly question myself to prevent slip-ups. And when I make a mistake I apologize. I apologize even when it's not necessary, because why not. It can't hurt to show a little humility.
I don't expect the same from others, because I know my ethical standards might be above the skill level of some. Many define success in a more material way than I do. Some are more focused on competition and reward. Chasing dopamine. Or just more self-centered than community-minded. That's fine. But for me success is having good character. It's worked out well for me, because I always have allies and people are usually kind back. People are eager to uplift people who make them feel good. We all benefit.
I'm strong inside, and that strength allows me to be kind. Sometimes I see life as a sort of battle in which I sometimes encounter weaker minded people who lack grace or empathy, and the challenge is to respond to brutishness with love, like a skilled warrior. My goal is to demonstrate emotional maturity in the face of obstacles. To leave this world a little better than I found it, even if all I managed to do was show up with a smile or kind word in the middle of a war.
I genuinely care and do my utmost not to inadvertently hurt anyone. But I don't expect people to be like me because let's be real, I'm weird.
But despite the love I try to project out into the world, I still sometimes manage to fail.
A few months ago I was talking kindly about a classsmate from the reunion. Positive gossip, my favorite thing to do behind people's backs! I defended her, arguing that there ARE some good Christians, because I believed she was a good person who I felt would defend me if shit ever hit the fan, despite our differences. We'd had quite a heartwarming conversation, me and this Christian. She said I was always welcome to visit anytime. So much sweetness was exchanged, both ways. I believed she was genuine, because I was.
A year later I notice she unfollowed me on ig. I know, it's just ig, but I wondered why and when she unfollowed, since I am so careful not to offend on there and don't post politics. Is she antisemitic? Was it because I wear a mask? Does my skinniness trigger an eating disorder? She's all about church and god so maybe it was my friend's funny pentagram cake I photographed years ago? My rainbow socks? Whatever it was that triggered her, I was the idiot still following her and thinking kindly of her, liking her photos and wishing her well regardless of her beliefs or politics.
Oh well. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with knowing that I'm the kinder person.
I noticed one other unfollow too, but that person was more of a pity follow-back because she seems to have become insane during pandemic, so my feelings aren't hurt. It was the same with my anti-masker conspiracy theory friend, who I regret reaching out to because now she follows me again and her posts are so ragey and gross. But you know. I wanted to be the bigger person and prove that I can hold space for someone with opposing beliefs. Point proven, but heh, sometimes even when you win, you lose...
8:51 a.m. - 2021-10-02