When I get a surge of anxiety when I flashback and my heart starts racing in fear at remembering the unexpected rage, I need to remember that the aggressor is just a person who shits just like everyone else. Probably taking a shit right now. And probably insecure about himself because he has no identity of his own. I'll bet that's a confusing space to occupy. He was probably constipated.
Maybe I need therapy again. I'm so annoyed to have to spend money again because of one dumbass manchild, but I'm definitely experiencing ptsd anxiety. I wish I could speed the process of healing. But I know it takes time for a wound to heal. Wish the wound didn't come from someone I trusted, the one who raised me.
My heart is still pounding even though I've done everything right today. Yoga, danced, bathed myself in magnesium salt and lavender oil, read a book, drank enough liquids and ate enough food. Three times I had to take edibles today, and it didn't really help.
Maybe it's because I'm resisting anxiety instead of listening to it. I've tried to shove it down aggressively. I need to show this scared inner child that I will listen to her and protect her. She needs to be nurtured, not ignored. How do I do that? Guess I just need to hold her and comfort her as best I can while she processes at her own pace. Everything will work out. It always does. Trust the process. I am safe, I am safe, I am safe.
7:42 p.m. - 2021-10-24