I have been going to sleep too late and sleeping in too late. I feel not fully awake. But it's raining a lot and I'm grateful for that. The sky is weeping necessary tears. Cleansing.
Being screamed at by an infantile man triggered headaches, sudden allergies, insomnia, anxiety... Ptsd. I've mostly regained my footing but the physical effects of verbal abuse are undeniable. I'm glad to be feeling somewhat back to normal again, even though I sometimes feel like I'm trying to live life while carrying the weight of a full grown man on my back. It feels heavy in my chest, but it boosted my motivation to continue choosing to stay healthy, and reminded me of how far I've come compared to where I started!
I'm grateful I don't have to live with a man. I am relatively free, for a woman. I am safe from men. I have autonomy. I know my worth. I think these things appear threatening to men who have such poor self esteem that they need to control women to feel in control of their out of control emotions. I think it kills weak men to see me thrive while they struggle to walk a mile in my shoes. They want to cut me down to their level because they're ashamed. They can suck my clit.
I did a little shop therapy yesterday. Found some bomb drop crotch pants. I've heard men don't like them. Sold!
Also ordered a beautiful velvet turban headband I'd been eyeing for awhile. H encouraged me to buy things for myself that I worried were too frivolous. I'm glad I did.
I also got marigold garlands in two colors for Dia de los Muertos. Garlands! Flowers! Who wouldn't be excited about that.
I love the sensuality of textures, fabrics, colors... I love well-designed things. I like to be clothed in art, surrounded by art. To be art. Art is joy! And since I cannot go to museums and events right now, I will create my own bohemian enclave of earthly delights right here.
10:07 a.m. - 2021-10-24