I dreamed I agreed to go out with S (who has claimed to like me so much for years now) but in the dream I didn't do something he wanted, so he abruptly left saying he had to go to work. But during our time together he had walked me very far away from my car so I couldn't remember where I left it. So I was just standing alone in the middle of the city wishing I hadn't let him persuade me to go out because now I was without a way home.
So I paced. I still couldn't remember where to find my car. So I called him and asked if he remembered where I parked because I lost my car. He said no dismissively. I could see he didn't actually care about me like he pretended to before inviting me out expecting whatever it was I didn't do or say that injured his ego so badly that he suddenly lost all empathy for someone who was now stranded because of him. (Symbolic of how my dad made me feel.)
So I wandered around a bit, trying to find a solution. A library appeared. I'll ask a librarian. I walked inside and explained my predicament to the librarian.
(This librarian in real life worked in my hometown and when I transferred to a new town it was comforting to realize she had transferred there too, so I had at least one familiar face in my scary jump into adulthood. Symbolic for her to appear again in dream form while processing a dramatic change in my perception of a parent. Nice job casting dream characters, brain.)
In the dream she was a stranger, but still just as comforting as during that real life leap from child to adult. She listened and unrolled a large map of the city, and together we tried to solve the mystery of the missing car.
(Probably metaphorically to figure out at which point I lost my power, when my hands were no longer at the wheel and my steel armor went missing, while someone who said they loved me wasn't interested in helping me find my power, autonomy or direction at all.)
I was still trying to resolve the missing car issue as I woke up, then realized it was just a dream and I wasn't lost or stranded but home safe in bed. What a relief.
My brain just neatly tied it all up in a bow. The library represents finding my wise calm inner self. The "let's roll up our sleeves and figure this out together" self. Looking inward. Asking questions to the librarian of my memory. Pulling out a map to retrace my steps while I explain what led me here. Love it. The metaphors!
The dream took me from naivety, to abandonment and betrayal of a trusted male, to the realization he's not so great after all, to despair at getting lost, to problem solving with my inner self, the librarian. My dreams are a brilliant therapist. I have hope that me and this helpful "librarian" will find my "car." I felt the search was headed in the right direction. Maybe I woke up at that point because, the processing is to be continued. It stopped where I'm at.
I am grateful for my subconscious dream brain for helping me make sense of trauma in such a helpful digestible way. It's cool.
1:42 a.m. - 2021-10-24