It occured to me that there are many things I'd like to do but haven't because I felt like I had to wait until after my dad died. Things like, perhaps date a woman. Or live a more authentic unconventional lifestyle of my dreams. Life is too short, and I do not want to end up a miserable old person. I'd rather be the old person who turns a few heads, but is a joy to be around for those who understand and enjoy me for who I really am.
I tried conforming myself into a tiny box only while visiting him, because I feared giving him a heart attack. I even tried almost being his neighbor, to live a senior citizen lifestyle for him, because he thinks that is what someone two decades younger than him should do. I nearly faked an entire marriage for him! It's truly insane. Especially considering how unwilling he is to be considerate of me, for only a couple hours. He doesn't deserve my endless self-sacrifice just for fucking my mom.
Not having a dad wasn't my first choice, but now I can start doing all those things I wanted to do. I no longer need to worry whether he'll accept me or disown me or freak out or judge me or yell. It's a little late to claim my sovereignty as an adult, but I'm okay with a few lost years. I temporarily sacrificed my authenticity in exchange for having a dad for a while. I can forgive myself for that. And now I can start living my own life.
Today I'm grateful for clean hair, clean house, chocolate covered treats I made last night, healthy fruit filled oatmeal I made today, grateful for being good to myself and making healthy choices despite emotional pain, grateful for naps, warm things, good smelling things, pretty lights, pets, new clothes, understanding friends, and grateful for health!
8:51 p.m. - 2021-11-07