I wonder if Ana Mendieta knew her boyfriend would kill her one day, and made her silhouettes on the earth because she was making her own memorial. Her boyfriend told her she wasn't as famous an artist as him or something. And her entire silhoueta series is like 'wanna bet?' Everyone knows artists only become successful after they die.
The thought of killing myself genuinely crossed my mind as I got out of the bath today. I'd never need to endure men again. It's not like I'm having kids anyway. My parents are incoherent and verbally abusive so they wouldn't be affected much and probably would never find out anyway. My dad would probably just say I was crazy just like my mom. And I'd be dead so it wouldn't matter. What am I here for anyway? To make men feel better? So they have someone to yell at and jack off to?
So I started making arrangements. I told my ex to take the pets and not notify my brother if I die. I told him I want him to know it had nothing to do with him. There's just no reason for me to be here. My parents are incoherently abusive and my friends mostly vanished and I can't do anything anyway. I want to leave without hurting anyone so the bridge is probably the least traumatic, not as traumatic as my ex finding my dead body.
I told him there's no point hanging around doing gratitude lists every day just so I can watch everyone die or get dementia or suffer from mental illness one by one. Why? I'm being rational here. I'd have to be insane to stay.
He offered to call my dad to get him to explain why he yelled at me. I said sure if you want but I still feel the same.
I was brought here without consent and I want to leave. I don't want to "hang on a little longer." I'm sure things will get better but that doesn't mean I need to stick around for when they inevitably get worse again. I don't need to stay alive to witness my parents' funerals or hear my dad's explanation about why he feels entitled to yell at people he sees as inferior, or stay alive so I can find out whether the Alcoholic is dead or not. I don't want to be "brave" anymore. I'm tired and I want to go to sleep and not wake up and I'm sorry if that's triggering but my entire body and soul wants out of the female experience and I feel like I deserve that right because it's my body and I should be allowed to terminate it when I want.
My ex is talking to my dad right now. I cannot imagine anything coming of it. It'll most likely just upset them both for no reason.
Let my dad toss me in the dirt without a headstone like he did to his mom. Then he can yell all he wants at a pile of dirt.
Maybe my body can become the roots of a beautiful tree.
12:17 p.m. - 2021-11-17