Hi, more rambling chats with myself. You're welcome?
"The findings imply that you pose a threat to the person leading you by simply enacting your role properly. The more you engage in the kinds of behaviors consistent with your role, the more you give the people who would like to cut you down a “moral license.” - Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D., How to Maintain Dignity if a Narcissist Humiliates You
Ahh.
This explains why the more feminine-presenting I became, the worse men seemed to treat me. Before I thought that was only due to misogyny. Good argument for being androgynous again but now it feels like it'd be a false performance and I'd feel like I betrayed my femininity. Not that femininity is defined by external material things, but,
being overtly feminine-presenting became a symbol of my defiant pride, to signal to everyone, here I fucking am, unabashedly feminine as fuck, because damn right I'm proud to be a woman, and
I refuse to role play as a man because I despise what masculine represents, the ugly unartful childish domineering war-waging, emotionally constipated vibe of it all.
I shouldn't have to look and behave like a man to be treated with dignity.
I'll be "feminine," and you can analyze what it is about femininity that makes you instinctively thirst to destroy me as a threat to your supposedly all-powerful and superior masculine ego.
This also explains why my 'aw, they're just bullying me because they need more love!" mentality never works. I really always think I can work with that, because I can... if I want to be abused by ensuring they see me as a doormat so I can break my own heart over and over until I despair at humanity.
I absolutely offer myself vulnerably at first, to see what people will do with that. To see whether they'll abuse that, so that I can know whether I'm dealing with an ethical person or not. Doing this while dating is basically climbing onto my own crucifix all for the sake of getting at the truth. I'll find the truth, but it will probably kill me. Maybe better not to know.
This makes me think I should actually consider adopting more erratic and random behavior, and that this annoying trait of many of my friends and loved ones is actually an adaptive response. It's how they avoid pain and it's actually a brilliant method. Simply avoid consistently fulfilling a role for anyone, and no one can hurt you. Be "crazy." But not often enough for it to be a predictable pattern. Maybe I'm already there...
It makes sense. We do create expectations based on what role people play in our lives. Like if a partner love bombs you then suddenly withdraws without warning, it disarms and confuses me that they all of a sudden are a different person. It throws me off course which renders me powerless and bewildered. Because I expected they would continue to be the same person they were 5 minutes ago. Because I made the mistake of getting comfortable, and letting them get too comfortable.
So maybe I should be more inconsistent with any role as much as possible to avoid victimization. I shouldn't let any lover or friend have any expectations of me, because once the expectation is there, I can become a doormat or a verbal punching bag as an endless pattern. I should show authentic love but do the dance. Up 1-2-3, back 1-2-3, up 1-2-3, back 1-2-3.
I should explore every way of being as possible, and not be afraid to change it up at random and surprise people often enough for them to never quite be able to figure me out. I'll probably forget five minutes later.
I don't like how close this feels to "give them an inch and they'll take a mile." But with men I find this to be a very true statement. You can't even smile at them or you're "asking for it." Entitlement is real.
I just don't want to feel like I'm betraying my personal code of ethics in order to avoid trauma. As much of a nonconformist as I fancy myself, I don't like ruffling feathers or rocking the boat, or making anyone uncomfortable, even if they're mean to me. I don't want to feel like if you can't beat em join em. I don't want to be the bad guy. I'd rather be the reason they spend the rest of their lives in painful regret and guilty remorse. :)
I guess that's a little sadistic too, to wish upon abusers. Well, I'm nice but I'm not Jesus.
11:22 a.m. - 2021-11-19