I am grateful that :
1. There are some very beautiful human beings here, and some very good writers with a whole lot of soul and emotional depth. It's a utopia almost. We get to be honest and release all our demons and express all the stories in our minds, whenever we feel the urge, with zero pressure. And see intimate glimpses into others lives we might otherwise never know, and it can be validating and moving to see that we're not alone in our experiences or in our suffering. It lights a small candle in the darkness. Hey you too? Yeah, me too. And sometimes there's even supportive words at a moment when we're tender. Like no one is getting paid for all this therapy and yet, what a breath of fresh air that there's a place where people do care. We are kind of invested in each other's lives, at a safe digestible distance without any of the usual risks of intimacy. I've always liked a good story teller. This is where they all are. And the good people too. Feelin it. Glad I found this website a lifetime ago. Also the ability to archive and re-read old things. It may be tough sometimes but then, so is therapy sometimes.
2. My dad called my ex because he wanted to know if I'll ever call him back. At least I know he cares that much, even if he is a raging manchild. It gave my ex a headache trying to explain simple concepts to him, but he did a real good job of representing my stance, and he deserves a trophy for putting up with my frayed mind state lately, on top of my dad's. I didn't ask him to do any of this, he just did. And he validated absolutely every feeling I've been having about my dad, so I feel like less of a crazy person. It gave me some peace today. My dad promised not to yell again, but I'm not so sure. My subconscious dream self visualized him saying the exact same thing and not being serious about it. I am inclined to listen to the feelings of my subconscious mind which is often wiser than the awake version.
3. I'm so glad this horrible week is over. I had definitely reached my limit. I'm glad it's a new day. I survived another storm. I'm glad I was able to somewhat mend and have a shred of closure with the things that were upsetting me most. My period is ending and my brain seems like it might be ready to bounce back and stop screeching in pain and endlessly torturing itself with bad memories. I had very little weed today and plan to cut down to microdosing. Like using training wheels until I can do it myself without injury. I also didn't drink today. That's not normally something I have as much of an issue with, but the last few days I added a shot of tequila to my coffee. Never more than once I think, so not too bad considering how crazy I felt. But tequila every morning isn't really a lifestyle I'm trying to achieve, so. Although I'm also not going to beat myself up about it in case I do happen to have another sudden surge of the i-can't-handle-its. Maybe I'll blame the full moon eclipse and the retrogrades for us all going haywire. And because we sense impending winter, and fuck winter! But hey, only about one more month till solstice and then we can psychologically sense life-giving warmth slowwwly coming back toward us instead of slowly abandoning us in darkness that happens way too early. Something to look forward to.
Take your goddamn vitamin d by the way. Highest dose you can find. Hooray for gummies.
4:52 p.m. - 2021-11-19