I dreamed I went on a long walking excursion with a group of people I haven't seen in 2+ years and I was feeling euphoric to be around creative people who like the same things I do. But I kept wandering off or stopping to explore all the interesting details and losing track of time and realizing everyone else had already left and I couldn't remember which path we were on. It kept happening over and over in the dream. I'd stare at a flower in delight or curiosity would lead me into a small cave. Then I'd look up and realize I was alone and panic a little. They hadn't noticed I'd been left behind.
Then I saw my friend L in the distance come running back toward me. She caringly collected me with her arm around me and we walked together if she was guiding a confused elderly person back home.
L has dissociative disorder pretty bad and her mom has schizophrenia and her dad raped her and she has sex addiction which she probably doesn't acknowledge and a former coke and alcohol addiction she does acknowledge and successfully overcame. I went with her to narcotics anonymous meetings when she was scared of relapse. She was one of my very best friends. And she is caring, and also younger than me, so I always saw her as my little sister. I miss her, even though her frequent memory loss was starting to freak me out and I hate her idiot Oklahoma boyfriend ever since that camping trip conversation that she can't remember. But she takes meds, and she doesn't blame others (much). She has a sweetness about her that I just cannot help but love. Even if I have the tendency to secretly judge her choices like an elder sister might, but it's really just because I want her to be well and rise above her traumas. She tries very hard and I should give her more credit for doing as well as she does at her age with such a crappy family. I still love her. Okay sure let's cry just a little bit then.
Feels like we're all damaged and crippled and warped from traumas, but we're in it together. Two 90s movies I think I should re-watch because they might help: Girl Interrupted (for the friendships between women with mental illness/trauma) and Grumpy Old Men (to be able to laugh at anger and dementia.)
The dream hike concluded with us all gathering at a clubhouse or airbnb that someone had left Diwali decorations up in the garden that looked very pretty. An old acquaintance from the dance community was showing me a complicated choreography she had learned. It was nice being surrounded by women again.
Later in my dream I was a mom and I had an almost-grown son who asked me if he could bring home a pottery wheel and I was happy that he was interested in the arts and supportively cleared a space for him and his friend to explore a new hobby. I actually really liked having a son and we seemed like we had a good relationship. Interesting.
I'm not sure what kind of life I even want anymore. I know I want lots of music in it, and certain people. But who do I want to be, now that I'm this age? I know what I don't want to be, but do I have any goals beyond not becoming my parents? Hmmm.
Hmmmm.
8:44 a.m. - 2021-11-20