How quickly things can change. Morning after valentines. He got angry. I had wondered if he'd erupt like this again. Especially since I loaned him money. I thought this could happen, but I chose love and acceptance. I asked him what he needed. Hugs? More love? Validation? Am I not being supportive enough? What am I not doing well enough? He stomped around awhile and I was getting tired of hiding quietly on the far side of the room. I'm tired of giving everything and being so gentle with others' emotions, only to be treated this way, catering to others' emotions while mine go neglected and outright denied. I reached my limit of patience for someone who can't empathize with anyone or appreciate anything. I've had enough of men abusing my generosity. Go then. Find your perfect woman. Clearly I aint it.
I did my breathing through his moodswing, long inhale, short inhale, long exhale. I cried through it, comforted myself, acknowledged my sadness, accepted it. My cat rubbed her nose on my nose after he stormed out, and again just now, comforting me better than he was willing to do while in his self-absorbed fit. I think I am too old for him, emotionally. Admittedly, I've known this for a very long time, I just accept the imperfections or laugh it off. It's a small price to pay for the ability to go outside safely with a built-in bodyguard.
I had just done an expensive grocery order for him, so now I'll have to do a lot of cooking to use it up. I know he has some kind of personality disorder, but I had been just doing my best to work with it, just like I did for my parents, just like for everyone, zoela to the rescue. I bought the tapestry he picked. Let him play my games all day long while I sat alone. Shared my home, my food, my body, my weed. Baked sugar free pie, just for him. Cut his hair when he asked. Loaned him $100. Drove him anywhere he wanted to go. Not enough? What exactly would be enough?
I just feel sad. I thought we were going to go to nature together today. Things don't always work out. Instead today I will be cleaning the mess he left, in both the interior of my house and the interior of my emotions.
I have like five other emotionally infantile men waiting in line just to talk to me. I'll be fine. There's never a shortage of other assholes if I become lonely. But for today I will let myself feel broken-hearted, knowing that it's better to be alone in peace than being trapped in a room with an angry man.
Maybe this'll be the week I can relax without being yelled at by yet another man who can't control his emotions. I don't have the energy to be angry. Just sad/numb. I get it, universe. Only alone is safe. I can't make anyone happy who doesn't want to be. Okay. Stop beating me over the head with it. I understand. My phone is off, his number blocked, app deleted. Done.
I'm grateful I was at least able to go outside safely and feel sun on my skin for a few days. It was really nice.
Oh and. The condom broke a few days ago, so now I get to worry about that again.
11:14 a.m. - 2022-02-15