Post bath forced cry let's get this over with so I can enjoy the rest of my night.
Dear mommy,
I wish there was a way I could talk with you. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel unappreciated. I know you're still in there somewhere, that small part of your brain still flickering with life. I haven't forgotten you, I just really don't know how to save you. I miss you so much. Every single day you are on my mind and I can't let go of your memory despite everything but I don't know how to fix it. I wish I had you around to offer wise counsel, or to hug sometimes. I wish you never let daddy destroy you, and I'm trying really hard to learn from your experience and not repeat it, but now I'm old enough to understand how hard it is to be a woman in a man's world, and I understand what you went through. I'm sorry I was too young to support you like you needed. Sucks that I was a kid who needed support too. In some other life if I could I'd find a way to go back as an experienced therapied adult to be the friend you needed. Then maybe you'd still be the mom I always needed. I forgive you for everything. You're my mom. I wish I could tell you. But that's life. If I can at least not let your suffering be in vain, if I can drag myself out of this pattern and learn to be harder and meaner and less understanding for men who have no deeper urge than to hurt me... Maybe I can fix the story. Or at least soften the ending a little bit. I'm going to try, and I'm doing it for you, to honor all the energy and effort you put into me growing up. I'll make you proud of me, so you'll know you didn't do it all for nothing. Even if the only way I can show you is in a imaginary letter.
You were so confident and he was so brutally insecure. you were amazing...
6:17 p.m. - 2022-02-19