Another dream about M. We were at a park and he kept picking fights but every time I walked away he'd say he was sorry and try to corral me back. At some point in the dream I see his pattern and use every verbal weapon I have against him, attacking relentlessly, without filter, without worrying about hurting his feelings or being mature or zen. Just letting my daggered words flow like a woman pushed over the edge too many times.
In real life all he's heard is my silence. I'm scared to unblock, even to confirm if he's alive, that he didn't jump off the bridge that day, because I know the pattern. He'll apologize again and it'll happen again. I don't even care if I never again see the money I loaned him. I see it as money given to assuage my worry, to know he's surviving and I've done all I could and can exit the relationship without guilt.
My guy friend who thinks every woman is his therapist texted last night with his usual anxiety provoking "How are you doing tonight?" Because I've learned that means he wants to vent to me again. So I do what I've learned to do with him. I beat him to complaining. I exaggerate my overwhelm to be left alone. But the fear of suicide always lurking in my psyche, I apologized to him for not having the bandwidth to be a useful friend and said I care and want him to know I always support him. He just said, "Same" and said he wouldn't bother me with his problems then. So my intuition was correct. This has been going on for so many years because he calls me an "empathetic person."
But like, I've just endured heartbreak, attempted arson on my house, destruction of my belongings, a loan I may never see paid back, and nuclear threats on my ex's hometown, without supportive family in a safe quiet neighborhood like he has, and as a woman where I live it's not even safe for me to walk outside so every outing is strategic, and I'm isolated now due to health. My other childhood friend just told me her dad with terminal cancer doesn't have much time left to live. You know, real problems. I guess I'm out of empathy for him. He had two therapists and still wanted me to drop everything to console him when his girlfriend gave up on him for basically the same reasons. Get on meds, get a third therapist, get a diary, vent to your loving supportive family, bask in your male privilege, I have my OWN problems. Sit on your fucking giant front porch and listen to the frogs sing you to sleep after your mom kisses you goodnight you ungrateful clown.
Deep breath. I feel guilt for thinking that. His suffering is bottomless but it's still human suffering, and he is my friend, even though he's so emotionally exhausting.
"An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing."
- Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
“You may worry that he won’t take care of himself if you leave, that he will wither away from depression, won’t eat or sleep, or might even try to kill himself. The Victim knows how to present himself as helpless and pathetic so that you will find it harder to take your own life back.”
- Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Usually I meditate only before bed but I meditated this morning too, not that you can tell.
Lol just noticed another missed call just now from the fuckboy I've consistently ignored for three years. *pulls out hair*
I want to build a man-proof electric fence around myself today.
I also dreamed I was walking through tall grasses and accidentally came upon a deer and a coyote resting beside each other. The deer was alert but remained sitting. The coyote started to stand and I slowly backed away saying something like: 'Sorry to disturb you, coyote, I didn't see you there."
12:10 p.m. - 2022-02-27