My friend has been bugging me since before pandemic to help her with artistic aspects of a big project she's working on, and every time she asks I tell her no, and then a few months pass and she asks again, so I say no again, and again, and again...
I ask myself why I don't want to. She'll pay me. I don't want her money. I don't want to risk my health. She offered to make it as safe as possible. I still said no.
I think I am supposed to want to have gigs and participate in capitalism and am supposed to want mentions and accolades on social media, but I have zero interest in any of that anymore. I don't get the dopamine rush she gets from those things, it just burns me out. It's not the kind of validation I need. I don't want this superficial shit and I don't think I ever did but for some reason people have read me this way, because I was just fucking around with art and people lost their minds as if I'm fucking Salvador Dali. I'm flattered but...
It's similar to how men don't listen when I say no and it's starting to piss me off. How do I tell her no for the zillionth time so that she'll never ask me again? If I do art again, professionally, I have to actually want to. My heart has to be in it or it won't work. That's how art is for me. It comes when it comes and can't be forced or bribed out of me. If my heart was in it, I'd do it for free.
I'm also irritated because she slyly invited me out under the guise of "catching up" but it's clear that she had an end goal in mind that had nothing to do with actually catching up and everything to do with me helping her get famous. The name-dropping she's been doing and all... And cool, I hope her dreams come true, and I support her in that, but we have different dreams, and mine involves being left alone right now.
If she wants to be a real artist she needs to trust her own judgment and not rely on mine.
I am annoyed and tired of repeating myself. I feel cornered. Isn't it enough that I support her solo endeavors every time she needs praise? (I feel mean but why does she require so much praise and validation from me. It's draining. I'm just a person.)
Why are people so pushy and persistent?
Why do I frequently have the urge to change my phone number and move and hide and never be found again? That's a fantasy I have... To change my name and delete all accounts and flee to some off-grid island or forest or some other planet to never be hassled again so that I can do nothing by myself in nature in peace forever. Maybe I should...
3:01 p.m. - 2022-03-03