Every night is a new nightmare about M. This time I was reaching for resolution from him, hoping for acknowledgment and genuine apology. But he reacted like he did that day, explosive, reactive, yelling. I sighed and asked him to leave, feeling sad that he'll never get it, and he didn't understand why I wanted him to leave either. Meanwhile a never ending dance class was happening which I had stepped out of after class exceeded an hour and a half. I felt bad slipping out while class was still going but class had become a nightmare marathon with no end in sight. So I hid in another room, and in that room was my favorite chicken from childhood in a small cage, but she looked uncomfortable. I looked closer and she had lost her feet and was painfully hobbling around on stumps and I wanted to cry because she didn't deserve it and held her and promised her I'd take care of her. Then I was in my childhood yard and there were many chickens walking among predators and I ran around catching every vulnerable chicken before anything else bad could happen and was putting them one by one in the chicken coop, but the coop was now divided in half by my parents who used one half for unused storage, so the chickens had only half the room to live in... My dad stood idly by, not understanding what was going on and same with my mom. No help. Just me running around trying to save all the chickens very inefficiently by myself. A pretty good metaphor all around.
I'm grateful I at least am dreaming again in useful metaphors. Grateful for the 600 glow in the dark stars I put on my ceiling. Grateful I killed all the spider mites that invaded the plant my dad's wife gave me last year. Grateful that I am healthy, and still here.
8:31 a.m. - 2022-03-04