"Do you think anger is a sincere emotion or the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?"
— Andrea Gibson
Definitely the latter. I don't know about fragile, but it is badly bruised and needs time to heal. I feel bad for feeling mad that I didn't ghost him in 2019, because, this is what I stuck around for? I could have just slinked away unscathed. But instead I tolerated his drunk texts throughout the healthiest point in my life. Now it's a struggle just to eat. I feel guilty for being mad at a dead drunk who caused needless suffering. It was his life, his choice. Just wish he hadn't dragged me and so many others along for this disturbing ride. But, too late.
I always wondered, why is he in such a hurry to pin me down? What's the rush? Now I understand, his time was running out. Why didn't he tell me? He admitted he was selfish. Well, he was human.. I am tasked with forgiving him for being destructive. Destruction is easy. Creating, honesty, health, these things take effort.
Sometimes it feels like it's been winter for three years. I survived a lot though, didn't I? I didn't get covid. I ditched some bad habits. I found strength in solitude. I discovered strength in myself I didn't know I had. I am alive. My life is in a secure place so that I can grieve freely for as long as I need. I ask for help when I need it.
I feel like I'm in one of those dumb war movies, and we spent a few years in the trenches, and a comrade in my platoon has fallen. War has casualties. He'll go home in a coffin. I'll go home and get therapy.
In World War II, my grandpa's best friend had his face blown off in battle. My grandpa was a medic, so it was his job to repair the gruesome injuries of his war companions. He was unable to save his friend, too.
8:09 a.m. - 2022-10-30