I understand that death is a part of life. I'm just so mad at him for dying and also really really want to call him, hang out one last time, at least end the story a little better than this. I hate it so much!
But I think I should feel everything, just dive headfirst into my messy complex emotions and just let the process happen however it flows.
I am so sad. But strong too. I have a lot to be grateful for and I don't want life to slip away while I'm sad. I too could die at any moment. I can love everything while it's here. I need to love myself harder now that R is not around to do it. I'm really angry that he died thinking he was unloved. Can't fucking handle it.
His bff had a dream that she said gave her peace and I can't wait to hear it. She seems very eager to talk to me, I'm grateful. I like being able to be so vulnerable, like it's actually acceptable in this situation. So that's one cool thing about grief I guess.
8:50 p.m. - 2022-10-29