My cat doesn't let me sleep anymore. She wakes me up every 15 minutes for a several hours at bedtime, and again every 15 minutes starting around 5 am by jumping back and forth across my face and ripping my hair out, no matter what I do. I am averaging 4 hours of sleep every night. I may need to give her to someone else for awhile because lack of sleep makes me entirely unable to function, especially while grieving, and now I have developed an infection because my body is never able to reset with sleep, and chronic pain returned.
So I laid awake since 5am, remembering how I blocked R last year for being antisemitic and sending an obsessive number of xmas texts to harrass me, probably to punish me for ignoring his drunk texts all pandemic long. After I blocked him, he sent a package of chocolates to my house, then sent me a friend request on my abandoned instagram, with some unread messages I didn't see until August, begging me to visit. I unblocked to give his key back (amicably) in August. In October he sent more unwanted obsessive drunk texts, so I spelled it out for him that I just want to be friends, since apparently that wasn't obvious enough already. He called twice on my birthday, I ignored it because I was busy.
Then he died of alcoholism.
Then my guy friend said it was my fault, calling me "codependent." I am scratching my head. Were my boundaries insufficient? I didn't even interact with the guy until the day I gave his key back. I literally ignored him to death.
I still can't believe he asked if he died because I cursed him. I thought curses were a fictional thing? No, I can honestly say I've never "cursed" anyone. I'm not a witch, and I'm not a vindictive child. I was simply preoccupied with my own life. And who tf says that to comfort a friend after someone dies?
(Could someone in my life maybe not be insane for just five minutes? I could really use a break...)
I'm glad the last time I spent with R was amicable though. He acknowledged he was OCD, the probable reason for his obsessive clinginess. The last day I saw him, I didn't say I love him back when he said he'd always love me. But I allowed him to embrace me in a hug all night. He held onto me as if I was his lifeline. As if I'd float away if he let go. I needed a hug as badly as he did on that particular day, so I allowed it. I don't regret that. That was our meaningful goodbye. We had one last very long tender embrace. It wasn't the passionate love story he wanted, but it wasn't without meaning. My grief is proof I cared.
Rest in peace, R. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the love in the world.
7:15 a.m. - 2022-11-07