M surprised me by doing the opposite of what he said he wanted. He was overdue for one of his iconic episodes. He said he'd leave early after work and come over so we could watch soccer together in the morning, he enthusiastically told me about all the delicious thanksgiving foods he'd cook for me. He sounded genuinely excited, smiling, romantic, happy in love, sweet as honey. He fooled me completely.
We had sex which I now deeply regret, he left for work, I didn't want to spoil my appetite so I waited for him like he said. I waited until midnight. I texted asking for an update. He said he was going to sleep at his house instead. Then he ignored me all Thanksgiving.
I can't help but assume it's because I gave him the sex he wanted, and now that he got what he wanted, he discarded me. But maybe he had one of his diabetes moods and got trashed. I guess the mushrooms didn't help him like they did me.
Happy Thanksgiving! I didn't expect to be spending the holiday alone. I made my usual morning coffee but due to post-sex regret, holiday disappointment, plus grief, I stirred in liquor and weed today. I haven't eaten since yesterday. By the time dinner plans changed it was too late to eat, and now he's ignoring me, but I don't want to spoil my appetite if he changes his mind last minute, which he does a lot.
R invited me to Thanksgiving every year. But this year he is dead.
N offered to bring food if I want company because he decided against a family gathering this year. I might take him up on that.
I still have a text I didn't respond to from the bartender who said, "I want to see you."
I should check on the covid friend who is probably alone today too.
And D who got her heart broken by a boyfriend who unexpectedly split and left her crying every day for months. She's 49, and said it gets harder the older she gets. I hope she's wrong. I'm so adapted to heartbreak and grief that I just coexist with it every day because it's all I've known. The thing that killed R and is killing D, is what I eat for breakfast, because that's all I can find on the menu. When have I ever NOT been secretly breaking?
I was invited to another birthday next week with live music again, so that I can keep dancing through grief.
A different friend complained that she always needs a backup plan with men. Her frankness irked me at the time, but I see her point, as no one enjoys having plans unexpectedly canceled without any warning or communication. But the good part is, if he does it, that means I can too. It's like a 10 year fuckboy relationship with no strings attached and lots of freedom. It's just like being single, but with a moody man attached to make me cry more than I ordinarily would. Lol.
Next time M wants sex, I'll act interested and then ignore him, now that I know that this is apparently an acceptable response. He makes me feel like a bad girlfriend when I'm too tired for sex, but now I won't feel bad at all for rejecting him. I mirror his moves to adapt. I learn something new about love every day. Love lies. Love does whatever it wants. Love kills itself and invites you to the funeral. Love takes what it wants and disappears the next day. This "love" men say they feel for me looks like the opposite of love to me.
I guess I'll try not to worry about whether he's alive or dead. Not triggering at all, one month after R died... But I'm trying to breathe through that new trauma. I figured it was a matter of time before M went fight-mode on me. At least he waited a month after R died so I had at least a little bit of time to heal...
Looks like I'll be dedicating the rest of my holiday to meditation. The same way I had to spend my birthday. Practicing self compassion as best I can in the face of abuse and grief, since I'm powerless over the behavior of others. If M wants to spend the whole day being angry, he has that right, if that brings him joy.
I told M I'm sorry (though I'm not sure what I did wrong) and asked him what I can do to make him feel better. I've been bottling up my grief for his sake. I tried my best to be pleasant 100% of our time together. I don't expect to hear back. I don't expect to want sex ever again if this is how I'm treated afterward. Maybe it's time for another breakup, to get all the grief out all in one go. This time it might take, because I am grieving and all else seems trivial.
N expressed actual interest in spending thanksgiving together, so I will probably just do that, and try not to wonder too much about what M's problem is today. It probably has nothing to do with me. He probably just had a bad night at work. A night so bad it cost us our Thanksgiving, apparently. But what would a holiday be, without at least one mantrum? It's tradition!
9:20 a.m. - 2022-11-24