At least the stats are in my favor if he stays gone, since single women fare better than partnered women mental-health-wise, across the board. Being partnered raises my risk of domestic violence or being murdered. So the failings of drunks to keep themselves alive could actually be the thing that keeps me safe and alive.
I'm so grateful I didn't shell out hundreds of dollars on an airbnb like he told me to. He was super excited about having a week or two off for the holidays and told me to book in advance so we could go on a road trip. I agreed, but internally I hesitated, because his mood is so unstable that it's challenging to plan anything in advance, and relapse is always a possibility with him, even if things seem super smooth for months.
I'm glad I listened to my gut and didn't make those reservations, and lose even more money like thanksgiving day after buying a shitload of groceries he sweetly asked for, for the thanksgiving he asked for, before he last-minute got shit-faced instead and spent the day belligerently yelling and cursing at me, for what I am not sure. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. At least he wasn't drunk in my house, so I'm grateful for that.
I should make a list of all the things I've missed out on because of him. Making plans is always a coin toss. He's always so sad about missing things he looked forward to all year, and me too. I stopped telling him about my plans with friends birthdays and such years ago, because he seems to ruin those too if he knows about them. The same way he sabotaged me by picking a fight every single morning before work until I was forced to quit, cause I got tired of crying every day before work, because he lived with me and I couldn't get him to leave. Thankfully I did finally manage to get him moved out which was a big improvement. I regret giving him so many chances to grow up. I really thought he was smarter than this.
1:39 p.m. - 2022-12-03