I accept that many men struggle with things I find simple. I accept that some are still just figuring themselves out, still learning like we all are, even if their "learning" takes place in a liquor bottle.
Men "love" my body, they "love" my clothes, or they "love" what I can do for them, or love traits that no self-respecting woman aspires to. They can't perceive much beyond that. I have a soul, but no man has ever met it, because they can't reach it. Depth, or any quality beyond visual appearance, is completely beyond them. I feel so sorry for them. It's almost a sort of blindness.
"I love you because you don't talk as much as other women. Other women talk too much."
- an ex who ended up abusing me and going to jail 6 months later.
A woman he cheated on me with wrote poems about how he didn't love her, because he still loved me. (She wanted to trade places with me so she could be ignored and cheated on too?) She was young, blonde, very rich. And desperately wanted my boyfriend's approval. She even started painting, because he "loved" me because I was an artist. (He loved the concept of dating an artist.) I didn't blame her. He set her up to feel never enough. He'd pit women against each other to fight over him to boost his ego. I've seen it before in other men too. He was so insecure that he required every woman to worship him. Anything less than selfless adoration, and he'd verbally abuse or cheat or disappear to manipulate, needing constant reassurance in the form of a woman crying and begging to know what she did wrong. He required being treated like a god at all times. (He wasn't even good in bed.)
I became friends with the girl he cheated on me with. I liked her. She too, had a vast soul beyond his level of comprehension. But in his profound shallowness, all he saw in her was: "I can exploit this."
After he dumped us both for the next girl, his entire persona changed, as if his entire personality had been staged, solely to woo and exploit me. He pretended to be the only person on earth who understood me -- but it turned out all to be manipulation. I'd say he had no conscience, but he'd have random crazy meltdowns periodically where he'd get drunk and break his own nose. Guilt perhaps. Or he was just a hollow empty miserable man who wanted women to feel as insecure as he felt. I'm grateful I don't understand his psychology. After me he dated someone who looked like my twin except she was only 18, easier to exploit. When she found out about his secret life, they broke up too, after only a couple months. He fancied himself a "romantic." Lol. Not very!
This guy graduated college by manipulating his girlfriend into doing his college exams for him. His diploma is a scam. I earned two educations at the same time, his and mine. When people ask me how I know so much about everything, it's because men made me do all their work for them, so I earned double the skills. They probably viewed it as domestic slavery, but I got free education that they didn't see any value in, while they are still trapped in ignorance. Without women, he'd be nothing.
Some men think they feel "love". R said he loved me after only a few days together. Days.
I don't think it's possible to love anyone while actively poisoning yourself with alcohol until you're dead. That demonstrates that he was incapable of love even for himself. That's profound self hatred. Why do men contain so much hatred for themselves and others? What purpose does that serve?
Men feel a very stunted version of the love we feel. It must feel very empty to live with a void like that. To be surrounded by beautiful souls yet unable to appreciate or perceive it without envy. To have a colorful universe at your fingertips, yet only see everything in black-and-white. It must be a terrible existence, to live without these pleasures, to have a life so devoid of meaning or purpose that you have to leech off of the feminine life force.
M said he loves me because I'm "the most fun person to be stoned with. Seriously," he added, as if it was compliment of the year. Should I be flattered that he sees this as my best asset? I came to the city to pursue higher education and cultivated my character... to keep a stoner entertained? He only loves me if we're stoned?
He cannot love. He approximates what he thinks love is. He feels something for the duration of a song. A fleeting sense of relief for his ego. He says he loves but his heart is very small. He only needed someone to buy his groceries and suck his dick. He loves my ass. Is that love? Then again he remarks on everyone else's asses too. I don't think he'll ever ascend beyond the physical plane. It's an interesting type of learning disability, this "manhood." But I suppose sometimes it's fun to pretend they're on my emotional level, to pretend to be a toddler again, to take a break from being an adult, to see what life is like on the other side, where everythings just a game.
But I prefer my side of life better. I play harp and take very good care of myself and have hobbies and dreams and a personality. It's better than being a lone bachelor crying into a bottle of liquor till even my liver leaves me. It ain't my fault his heart is the size of a raisin. Men can exploit me all they want but it's not gonna make their dicks bigger. It's not gonna fill the bottomless void in their raisin-hearts. It never seems to make them any happier with themselves either.
I don't need to destroy the patriarchy. They're doing it to themselves.
7:18 a.m. - 2022-12-04