Grief randomly started hitting hard around afternoon today. Maybe one of these days I'll have a drink with him at the cemetery. 'Cause we need to have an honest talk.
It's been hard to eat today. Thoughts of hateful things M yelled at me while drunk. Thoughts of R's death. Thoughts of my mom. Thoughts of the men in my family yelling at the women because men are weak and selfish and sometimes I swear it feels like they're just lining up to spit on me, but they can never explain why or what exactly triggered them about me. What's bothering you, fellas?
M the Asshole might be dead, or maybe not yet. He'll probably wind up in ICU again sometime this month if he's lucky. I'm supposed to just "accept" that, so, okay. I accept his life expectancy is brief and I'll accept his decision to psychologically traumatize me as much as possible while I try to grieve another man who drank himself to his death. I haven't contacted him since thanksgiving but unblocked because I read advice somewhere to not end relationships while grieving. Pretty sure that only applies to healthy relationships, but maybe I'm wrong? If he has any apologies in his shriveled raisin of a heart, the lines of communication are open, if he attempts it, although I can't promise I'll respond.
It's interesting that the person I primarily bonded with at the party was the woman with stage 4 cancer. She too has a long term on/off boyfriend who periodically treats her like shit, even as she's slowly dying of cancer. I think he's to blame for the cancer. She's a lot like me, a tiny woman, lots of character, open minded, creative, warm, witty and pleasant to be around. I wish I'd spent more time on her the past decade, instead of M.
Because she's aware she's dying, she has a unique energy, a knowing, an openness to life. She treasures every moment she's alive.
Hm, just remembered that my uncle abandoned my aunt on thanksgiving when she had cancer. Aren't men just the best?
3:30 p.m. - 2022-12-04