The day R died, I hugged M and asked sadly, "Why are men so weak?"
He said "Everyone has bad moments sometimes." I agreed, momentarily doubting all my own experiences with men.
But my bad moods don't result in death, or trips to ICU.
I've never quit a job in a rage. I've never been in a physical fight. I've never jumped out of a moving vehicle. Never been arrested. I don't have road rage. Never stalked anyone. I don't need to lie about my education on my resume because I earned it fair and square. I don't accuse people of witchcraft. (Lol.) I stay in my lane. It's easy!
Fighting and lying would require energy I don't have. When I feel bad I journal, cry, meditate, nap, and carry on.
Not all men behave like chimps, obviously. My dad isn't perfect, but he's reasonably sane. He rarely drinks. My mom never drank. They were chilling in the garden most of the time. Most of my childhood friends were boys, and they were chill, and gay. I was not prepared for the misogyny that awaited me in adulthood.
Now every time I give a man a chance, it's like entering a circus. Why the fuck is he shooting himself from a cannon? Why is he putting his head in a lion's mouth? Why am I dating a clown on a tricycle?
Suddenly I'm target practice for his knife throwing. I've gotten really good at catching knives in my mouth to save my life. My reflexes have quickened. But I'm not getting paid for my work. I'm tired of the act. I'm tired of needing to repitch the whole circus tent every few weeks. I can't live on funnel cakes and cotton candy forever.
The show seemed alright at first. I could sit and eat popcorn and laugh at the clowns tempting death. That's what we're supposed to do I was told.
But the stunts got sloppier and eventually one of the clowns died. And now I never want to go to the circus again.
But it always comes back to town.
And everyone else thinks the circus is so great. They're desperate for tickets. They beg for an encore. They ask me why I lost interest. Well, I dated a couple of knife throwers and a couple of clowns. I dated the entire circus it seems. I jumped through hoops of fire. I swallowed too many swords. My trapeze partner was drunk and forgot to catch me. I think it's safer if I just avoid the circus from now on.
7:39 a.m. - 2023-01-26