I slept well and had more bandwidth today, so I called N to assess his emotional state and give him a chance to clarify his perspective, since he'd repeatedly expressed that he felt misunderstood. The talk was fruitful, although effortful. I started with some funny relevant memes to lighten the mood.
He said he feels very "sensitive" lately. I said his behavior triggers my ptsd, so I may distance myself sometimes to maintain balance on my end, but I reassured him that even though I may seem silent at times, I am always here. I reassured him that I take breaks and communicate directly because I do not want to remove him from my life. I'm not going anywhere.
"You're not alone lost floating in space," I said. "I am always right here." I told him I accept him, the whole real him, flaws and all. He started crying and said he didn't know why. I took this as a positive sign.
He then said he's been feeling stressed about holidays and his birthday, and sad about his dad, who died 15 years ago.
That's valid.
Then I had an epiphany :
What if his new-found sensitivity is an awakening. A new awareness. Becoming in touch with emotions. Growth.
The first time you ride a bike, it's scary. You don't have control at first and lose balance. You wobble and fall a few times or crash. But eventually the bike becomes an extension of your body, and you stop panicking. Then the ride is much smoother.
He just got a new metaphorical bike.
thursday - 2024-01-04