. oh hi diaryland .

I know, he doesn't care about me like he should.
I know, he should have and could have been there for me.
I know, I'm better without him.
But it still hurts that someone I trusted could be so cold and not even try. But this time I'm letting him go and I'm not trying anymore to help him understand things he never will.
Oldest "love" story in the book, right?

I'm sad but I'm stable, not giving in, not texting him, etc.

I'm alone, and even though it hurts a little to be alone when my arm could be around someone I love, I still think my life is better without him, even with the loneliness and sadness. That says something.

I'd rather focus on the girl. I'd rather be poly with the girl a couple cities away, than be 100% monogamous with a guy that makes me miserable. I'd rather be with one girl who may be non-monogamous with me, than to have 10 boyfriends of my own, monogamous or not.. THAT SAYS SOMETHING.

So I'm just gonna keep rambling since my periods about to drop and I'm too tired to go back out into all the festivities happening outside all day, and i'm not expecting any romantic surprises any time soon, and also not feeling like looking for it or getting attention from those I could say hey girl hey to. (or boy.)

Well unless you who read this are super cool and you want to date me. But if you read my diary you've probably seen only my dark side and are probably especially frightened if you are male. (As you should be! Good instinct.) >:) Hehe.

Well I don't know what else to say. Maybe I should write more about my feelings to get that shit out. I used to be better at this and then I developed this macho thing probably as a result of being in relationships with macho guys who mocked emotion so I had to learn to pretend which is VERY UNHEALTHY DO NOT DO THIS. I've only semi recently observed this about myself. I think it's a way of avoiding being judged. As long as I act as cool as a cucumber on the outside, no one has to know secrets such as drinking whiskey alone and crying on the floor, or being in an abusive relationship, or whatever. I might cry on the floor every day over you, but you won't know it, because the moment you ring the doorbell, I'll fix my makeup and be like hey brah whaddup.

Which, if you're one of the douchey guys, you'll LOVE because I'll feed your ego without any of the emotions for your brain to have to deal with because ew emotions? That requires the kind of empathetic analytical thinking that overheats the brains of douchey type guys. (See how nice I'm being? I'm inserting the word "type" because I'm going to go ahead and assume that even though I have never been with a guy who wasn't at least a little douchey, that doesn't mean non douchey guys don't exist, somewhere on this planet. I'm sure they exist! One day I'll meet one and ask for his autograph! Hahaha, okay I'm being dramatic. I know lots of gay men with awfully beautiful souls. THE GAY ONES. Ohhh life is so sad!!!!!! Uugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh well at least I have insanely incredible friends. Like way above average. Amazing inspiring people. It makes me feel good about myself that I keep such good company, even if I've completely failed with men after feeling like I did everything humanly possible.

Life happens, whatever. Tomorrows another day. When one door closes another opens. Blah blah blah, I know, I know. I'm making a change and I'm choosing to be strong, no matter how sad I feel. I want a better life and I'm making it happen, even though I have to sacrifice a tiny part of my heart to move forward. I didn't burn bridges or leave him dramatically. I was to the point, peaceful, and offered friendship. I have zero desire to hurt him or get revenge. I just want to move forward in my life, and in order to do that, I have to cut ties and not have the crutch of an imbalanced relationship keeping me from bettering myself and accomplishing my dreams.